Nobody told me this S#*$ ! (and other comical musings) - Jonathan Phoinex - Wattpad

Nobody told me this S#*$ ! (and other comical musings)

JonathanPhoinex79

Reads 159
Votes 21
Parts 14
Time 44m

Reads 159
Votes 21
Parts 14
Time 44m

JonathanPhoinex79

Mature

batmanonice carlin celebrity comedy funny george humor jokes nonfiction parenting politcal satire stand-up

"Its not my cup of tea, its definitely humor. Crude humor. But still humor." - Coffee After Dark Awards Judges
                                                                             ************
 These are the confused musing that rattle around in my brain as I ride the mechanical rocket-ship outside the grocery store.  These are discussions about you, and me and that guy at work who keeps hitting on you but you keep telling him your not into hunchbacks.  I submit these musing to help you think about the world around us and how we tolerate it.  I discuss important things like Celebrity Sex Tapes and Donald Trump because it's really low hanging fruit.  Take your time, pull up a chair, and enjoy having your mind blown, by the fact I survived this long.All Rights Reserved

batmanonice carlin celebrity comedy funny george humor jokes nonfiction parenting politcal satire stand-up

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I DON'T KNOW by ImagesMayInspire

This is my blog. Containing all rants, thoughts, and opinions about this crazy Mofo we call earth. All of these may or may not target certain things, but are not MEANT to offend any readers. As it is used purely for humor and comedy, so if any of you decide to go to the comments and whine about it I will just laugh at your stupidity. So as a last note before you delve into the hilarious (and strange) thoughts and experiences of well, Me, Most things in these words are mine. And feel free to use them whenever you like. ~C

Awesome Short Stories by VirginiaDude757

Hey, y'all! Welcome to Awesome Short Stories! Enjoy reading them, as they will feature me, my Wattpad friends and family, and plenty of fictional characters! If you need an escape from reality, or are having a stressful time, Awesome Short Stories is the book for you!

The Number On The Napkin by LunaFlore

"Is your refrigerator running?" "No, my refrigerator is not running." "Well you better...wait, what?" "Actually, it broke down a week ago because it knew that you were going to call with that stupid line and it decided it would rather die than listen to you say it. So now, thanks to you, I don't have a fridge and all of my food has gone bad." • • • Sometimes you find the crucial answers in the weirdest of places...and people.

Static by hattielynn

{COMPLETED} "now that you've had your fun electrocuting me, would you care to hop in the backseat?" ---------------------------------------------------------- Freak DNA. That's what I like to call it. The fault to my genetic code. More often than not, it's a curse. The static running through my blood gave me a name. A cruel, daunting label of a measly bug. A roach. That's what I am to them, to the government. Roach; the nameless monster with electricity for a sense and lightening as a second nature. It ruined my life, the sparking currents playing tag in my mind, running around and bumping into everything, shaking me loose. The government, actually. They ruined my life. My curse just gave them a reason. You see, the normal population with ordinary DNA, they don't know about the people like me. The roaches of the world. We don't get that kind of recognition at the camps. There, we are only one thing in the military's eyes. We are weapons and we will act like it. Everyone else out there, bathing in the goodness they don't know they've got, they don't know about the roaches their stepping on. As long as their getting closer to the sky, they don't care what they stand on to reach it. They don't know about the sparkling dreamer that's killed 7 people before her 17th birthday. They don't about the ghost of a girl peaking around corners for her entire life because even home wasn't safe. They don't know about the fighter of steel and iron sucking on his bloody lip courtesy of the wars he battles in as nothing but a shadow. They don't know about the masked villain who would do anything to see the army they lead claim the throne They don't know about us. But they will, because we will rise. And when we arrive, we will arrive violently. ___________________________________________ Started: 10.06.15 Finished: 3.17.16

The Backpacker's Dream by CanisMajoris5

'No, he didn't'. I was so shocked by the turn of events. Everything was going fine and then suddenly boom, everything turned upside down. I just couldn't believe this. What did he think of himself? 'Leave me alone.' I said firmly but his hold on me was so strong. I was struggling to get out of his bear hold but to no avail. 'Oh!! So, the poor lady thinks that I will leave her alone and just let her go free?' He had that evil laugh and boy, his breath stank. 'Man, you just signed your death warrant and I will do one favour on you.' No one messes with me. 'Ooooh, I am so scared that I almost peed my pants.' Again that idiotic laugh. I counted till 5 and then kicked right in his balls. I turned around and grabbed his hair from roots, jerked them so badly and then gave my hard elbow shot on his chin. Everything happened so fast for one moment he was standing and the other lying on floor wiggling. I charged at him with my cheetah speed, picked up a wooden rod and started hitting him wildly, 'You idiotic stinky breath was trying to steal my backpack. You are so dead.' 'Favour, favour, favour.' He was screaming in pain just after few seconds and was panting hard. I picked my paste from my bag and threw at him, 'Brush your teeth.' I was fuming. I turned around and saw him standing wide-eyed, 'Hi, I am Scarlett.' I smiled showing my 32 teeth. 'I am scared.' His look puzzled me. Starting date- November 5, 2019 Completed on - May 23, 2020 All Rights Reserved.

Dipshits in Space: Seasoru 7 by AdrianOzryth

Ugh, you again. Takes a lot to offend you doesn't it? Well guess who's back, back again and with an anime cover this time. It's the Dipshits, but this time it's a brand new ship, a brand new additional crew tacked on to the lovable turds you know and love. A smoking hot tazer, a redneck, A generic bald-headed bumpy-skulled alien, and more! Shaggtastic spies, a holiday special, game shows, an ugly breakup, salads, Jerry-pipes (whatever the crap those are!), Egyptian gods, old friends, and 3 weirdos that are totally just vampires. The plan-D or E list of adventures is sure to entertain, assuming you have low enough standards. given that you're 7 seasons in...you probably do. We both know it. Roll that beautiful bean footage, and get the Wagon Groovin. It's space, and there's always dipshits in it.

chatroom.com»hs✓ by -moaningstyles

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The Day I Turned Into a Cat (Completed) by Living_Life_Forever

Have you ever wished to spend your days sitting in the sun? Not having to care about anyone or anything? Never having to worry about make-up, boys, clothes, money, or family? Well then I, Rachel Robby, can relate. I fact, I wished the very same thing upon a shooting star. Well, I thought it was a shooting star, but it could have been an airplane. Or maybe, if you believe in aliens, you would have thought of it to be a UFO. Anyways, my wish came true. So here I am, stuck in my cat Dexter's body, when I'm actually supposed to be sipping on a margarita on a white sandy beach in Maui for my yearly vacation. Either way, I still get relax and I'm even starting to enjoy my life. That is, until I find out that I'm not the only person-gone-animal. So for now, I'm trying to find a way to get not only myself, but also my new companion, back into human form before the cat drags in something even worse.

Diary From The Carrot Union by Poofballnco

TESTIMONIES "Dude, the world building is top notch right from the start. It's thematically consistent, the names are zingy and attention grabbing. And we have good concise info being fed to our brains. I love your style." - @SpuriousSimulacrum "This is great so far. Having spent years in Eastern Europe, this humour is equal parts nostalgic and poignant. You've taken the best bits of 'Animal Farm' and '1984' and turned it into something unique here. Definitely added to the reading list for this summer. Can't wait to read more. Well done." - @Mystery_Twins_LTD "This is just such an entertaining read. Seriously, it seems like it should be on Adult Swim or something:)" - @stkingnaturally To Moshare I came seeking fortune, but they're making me work til' I'm dead. And here I am, drunk in the side of some sort of concrete monument in this So-Called rabbit's paradise. Let's check the news...Good! Extra slices of bread for everybody! Ummm, Carrots and cabbages have exceeded their quotas, and the Animalist Party held yet another victory parade, as the Carrot Union has won another war on Talabar Front. And oioioi...'m just too scared to give a shit about it, as Commissar Nikita said whoever protests gets detained, sent to the gulag, and quote on quote, "And never is able to see vodka again." Yes, yes! Funny people I hear every day on the wiretap. Stuff ranging from a guy that stole a stapler, and another guy drugging his coffee with laxative, or some kids setting off fireworks near a retirement home filled with veterans and getting shot by the Carrot Guard Bureau, the CGB But hey, I thought I could share my story here! This place might be a shithole, but hey, who knows what the future might bring? Other than atherosclerosis from eating too much-fried cheburek Right, to the story. Credits to @annabellacx for editing

Boris In Blunderland by DrewSalzen

Boris In BlunderlandLewis Carroll detailed Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, then wrote The Hunting Of The Snark, an agony in seven fits. A few years later, HH Munro ('Saki') had, as his first published work, 'The Westminster Alice', in which he used the idea of Wonderland to examine Parliament with a satirical and ironic eye. In 2019, we had a newly elected (but not by the people) Conservative leader promising Brexit in 99 days, despite having no formal deal and a complete lack of support from Parliament. An elected Parliament going against the wishes of its people via a referendum. If nothing else, this proved that direct and Parliamentary democracy do not sit well together when the one does not agree with the other. How you might feel about Brexit pales into insignificance when faced with the farrago of lies, stupidity, lack of clear thought, and sheer arrogance evinced by all sides of the argument. So, dealing with these 99 days as if it were straight out of Carroll is not a spectacularly new idea, but it is one that is unfortunately apt. In these pages, Boris follows the White Rabbit, who May be leading him on, down the rabbit hole and finds himself almost by accident to be the new leader, battling the Red King Corbyn and his treacherous Knight McDonnell, trying to appease the White Queen and the people, being distracted by the Cheshire Rees-Moggy and Jojo the Dodo (who thinks she can be PM even though her party have been as dead the bird for a century), and trying to leave the table at the Tea Party where the Mad Hatter holds sway. All the while, the Walrus tries to seperate Caledonia from the farrago while the Carpenter - tired of trying to dovetail ideologocal joints that just will not match - cries softly and retires. A satire, a tragedy, blackly comic or just a bloody disaster. It has been, sadly, all these things and more in a land populated at the highest level by, it seems, nothing but court jesters

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Slide 1 of 10

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Boris In Blunderland cover

I DON'T KNOW

This is my blog. Containing all rants, thoughts, and opinions about this crazy Mofo we call earth. All of these may or may not target certain things, but are not MEANT to offend any readers. As it is used purely for humor and comedy, so if any of you decide to go to the comments and whine about it I will just laugh at your stupidity. So as a last note before you delve into the hilarious (and strange) thoughts and experiences of well, Me, Most things in these words are mine. And feel free to use them whenever you like. ~C