Anonymous Story

I wrote this when I was drunk. The extent to which I was inebriated shall henceforth not be discussed. As an essential disclaimer, I do not own any of the characters, brands, places, or things discussed in this story. Of course, hopefully you already knew that one cannot own a human for a human is already owned by themselves. Although, if Marthe Woertman, Harry Styles, or Shrek do not own themselves I am entirely willing to campaign for their freedom. I am also deeply sorry to the above should they ever come across this literary masterpiece. Which would be tragic. A complete and utter disaster. Anyways this is a story about love of the not at all heterosexual variety. While there are disturbing mentions of previous heterosexuality it is not discussed at length or in detail. Also if you came to this story seeking Harry Styles or Shrek, while they are both key characters, it is mostly about Marthe Woertman and an entirely fictional girl who is simply pining for a hot, tall, dutch, Leo. I also wouldn't read this if you have any standards at all. I warn you, it is Hallmark Christmas Movie/Wattpad Fanfic crossover and simply should not exist. It is not rated mature because it does not have...y'know...the canoodling? the hickory dickory dock? the secret touchy thing? in it because it does not. I rated it that way because I did not, and I shall repeat, I did not proof read this at all. Also I don't really know anything about Marthe Woertman. Or Amsterdam. This will be wildly inaccurate in every respect. I just got crunk, was watching tiktoks, and I decided that I really like the woman's cheek bones and accent and astrological sign so the next time I got crunk I wrote an entire novel. Also Harry Styles and Shrek are both villains. Sorry.