Love in hatred
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"Who am I to pass judgment on such love?" I take a deep breath after rolling my eyes to my own idea about in my current situation. My dad died 5 months before my 17th birthday (it was a white sadness days )and it's been a year ago because it's already 5 months ago since I turned to 18th.and now I am in the same church where my pass father last mass happened. Today,is a white day again but it's for my mom not her last mass but her marriage not an anniversary celebration to my dad but her wedding day to another man (to the man she just have met 1 month ago) I am not invited to the wedding but I choose to attend just to witness everything and to give myself more reasons to hate them. I can see in the faces of the people in the church the joy and happiness just except my 3 siblings whose wearing a black tuxedo and a slacks in the side of the church with an empty face and even them don't have any idea that I was there.
I am a bookworm when we talk about story book, pocket book and any novels even histories I don't mind the genre just I love to read. But in this time I was being slapped by reality that I know nothing about love not even I little thing about it.
What if I experience loved? Can I understand the love my mom had?
Or what if I just got pain in loving?
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"You forgot? Right?" I asked, more like whispery. I am really trying my best not to ask, but it suddenly came out without me realizing it. "It's our 100th day today, Bae." I don't intend on looking back up where she is, since I don't want to expect more, to see the reaction and was really trying my best to avoid her gaze. She didn't respond, She must've been so surprise. So, from that, I straightly and directly looked up and see what she's up to. Unfortunately, it was a wrong move. I saw it. I saw how her reaction change. From a relax one to a surprise one. You see, eyes can't lie. "N- No. No. It's just that- - - - " "It's okay." I tried to sound okay. I even smiled to assure her. But, you can't just feel okay, when you know, at any minute my tears might fall. When she did not respond, I kept quiet and continued eating. It's tiring when you know, you put effort to all this and yet you can feel from that person was the opposite expressions of what you expected. Expectations really isn't good at all. "Are you okay?" She was about to touch me but my body acted on its own, I move backward. Seeing her this close and that pity look in her eyes makes my heart breaks and offended even more. "We don't really talk now, why are you curious now?" I can't help myself but answer in sarcasm. This setting is really tiring and obviously new to me. I can't recognize and get a hold of myself, and any moment now I might burst out, right now, right here. I don't even really care now if the camera is actually recording us. I felt the need to go somewhere. I need space to breathe. I need to walk away from her now because I know when it hurts , I can't control my feelings let alone my stupid self. "Excuse me! I need to use the restroom." She nodded without tearing her eyes off me. And, that's my que to walk away. No turning back this time. It may look disrespectful but I can't pretend that everything is okay and it doesn't hurts me at all.
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