Just My Random (and depressing) Thoughts

Just as the title states, this is really just a book (can I even call this a book?) about the things that plague my mind. This will contain very depressing thoughts. This book has a big TRIGGER WARNING!!

So you understand me a little better, I have been officially diagnosed with depression, severe anxiety, manic depression, and codependency. Though my friends have suggested other things, I have not been to see anyone about my problems recently. I did have a therapist. He was a family therapist who usually saw people with alcohol addictions or drug addictions. I was different. He saw me individually. Never spoke to my parents, never spoke to my siblings. He knew no one in my family. And I've never had a drinking problem. So I was new to him. The visits were only about an hour long and I only saw him five times in total before my mother (Tabatha) took me out of it. I don't really know how I feel about that. I don't think I made progress with him but we did only have five visits. That was two years ago. I stopped taking my antidepressants. They made me feel worse. Like there was a mask over my face just hiding what I was truly feeling. I felt the medicine was lying to me. Trying to make me believe I was happy when I really wasn't. I'm still depressed and I still have anxiety and I still have manic depression. I just don't take medicine for them because I don't want it. I don't just want a bunch of lies filling my brain. I want to truly feel alive again. I don't want to be reliant on medicine my whole life cuz, I'll say it, medicine does not work! Or, at least not for me. It doesn't help in the long run. It just masks what you're feeling at that moment. I want my freedom and to love who I want and to just be human... So here are my thoughts. My feelings. On the surface, I may seem strong and confident to my friends and birth family but, on the inside, I'm dying. So you, the reader, get a glimpse of what goes on inside of my mind. I'm sorry.