Just My Random (and depressing) Thoughts
- Reads 6
- Votes 0
- Parts 2
MatureOngoing7m
Last published Fri, Dec 18, 2020
Just as the title states, this is really just a book (can I even call this a book?) about the things that plague my mind. This will contain very depressing thoughts. This book has a big TRIGGER WARNING!!
So you understand me a little better, I have been officially diagnosed with depression, severe anxiety, manic depression, and codependency. Though my friends have suggested other things, I have not been to see anyone about my problems recently. I did have a therapist. He was a family therapist who usually saw people with alcohol addictions or drug addictions. I was different. He saw me individually. Never spoke to my parents, never spoke to my siblings. He knew no one in my family. And I've never had a drinking problem. So I was new to him. The visits were only about an hour long and I only saw him five times in total before my mother (Tabatha) took me out of it. I don't really know how I feel about that. I don't think I made progress with him but we did only have five visits. That was two years ago. I stopped taking my antidepressants. They made me feel worse. Like there was a mask over my face just hiding what I was truly feeling. I felt the medicine was lying to me. Trying to make me believe I was happy when I really wasn't. I'm still depressed and I still have anxiety and I still have manic depression. I just don't take medicine for them because I don't want it. I don't just want a bunch of lies filling my brain. I want to truly feel alive again. I don't want to be reliant on medicine my whole life cuz, I'll say it, medicine does not work! Or, at least not for me. It doesn't help in the long run. It just masks what you're feeling at that moment. I want my freedom and to love who I want and to just be human... So here are my thoughts. My feelings. On the surface, I may seem strong and confident to my friends and birth family but, on the inside, I'm dying. So you, the reader, get a glimpse of what goes on inside of my mind. I'm sorry.
All Rights Reserved
Join the largest storytelling communityGet personalized story recommendations, save your favourites to your library, and comment and vote to grow your community.
You may also like
Happy Endings
"Don't you see now why we can't be together?" I whispered at the crazy boy in front of me. "Aren't you repulsed by me? Disgusted? Dis interested? Can't you just tear my heart out and leave like any other normal teenage boy?" My voice cracked. He simply shook his head. "Sweetheart, I thought I made it clear from the first time I said it," He paused, "I. Like. You." He emphasized every word, and I gaped at him. "Hell of a lot, actually, so it'd be great if you stopped being salty and liked me back." "Don't you get it?" I whispered unbelievingly, "After all that, and you still don't get why I can't be with you?" He seemed relaxed, calm. Too calm for this situation. "My life doesn't involve a guy like you, Nathan. Never did. You're not my knight in shinning armor, and you aren't going to save me. This is reality, the real world. And the real world doesn't have happy endings." ---- To me, there's are six different types of crying. One; The Breakdown. Two; The Longing. Three; The Hysterical. Four; The Broken. Five; The Happy. Six; The Inevitable." ---- This short story is very depressing, I'm warning you now. It may trigger memories, or depression symptoms.Complete
Family Comes First
Being alone? Check. Being afraid? Check. Being abused? Check times 3. Honestly, my life wasn't this bad before, not until I ended in foster care... SIKE! My life was always bad. From the moment I was born, I lived with an abusive father who blamed me for my mother's death, and even I couldn't disagree with him. Here are a few questions I am constantly asked: 'Do I do well in school?' No, are you kidding me? The only subject I'm good at is Visual Arts. 'Do I have a kind and caring family?' No, I don't think I do. 'Do I have anyone who cares about me?' No, I'm a loner and socially awkward. 'Do I have privileges?' No, if you haven't understood the message yet, I live in an abusive household. Now, you might ask if there are any questions the answer is yes. I'll give you some. 'Do I want to die?' Yes, I sometimes do. 'Do I feel alone in this world?' Yes, always. 'Do I get a beating every day?' Yes. *** This is Amara Williams, a 13 year-old with average grades and no friends. What happens when her only guardian, her dad, is dead? What happens when she finds out that she has five older brothers who are not only strict and demanding, but also protective assholes? More importantly, what happens when she finds out that she was taught lies from the moment she was born? Follow Amara as she digs deeper into her family history, uncovering the secrets and discovering the lies. ___ ⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️ There will be mentions of abuse, r@pe, self harm, death, and many other dark themes. I have given a warning now, and I will give a TW in each chapter when reading for safety reasons. However, I want all of my readers to know what to expect so that they can decided for themselves if they want to read. Read at your own discretion! ____ Highest Rankings: #1 in Rules: Oct. 18. 2020 #1 in Truth: Jan. 16. 2021 #1 in Alcohol: Jun. 18. 2021Complete
Talk To Me
From the first day you saw him sitting on top of the old railcar through the chain-link fence, you felt a connection, but little did you know how it would end for you both. What he sees in your eyes the day you meet is the same look he sees reflected in his mirror- pain, isolation, depression, and something darker. Years later, your life's path brought you two together again, and fate started to turn. There was no way out, no way but one. ~~~~~~~~~~~ You try to hide your scars with the kitchen towel. He pulls the towel away and caresses your wrists while looking into your eyes with heartache. "Talk to me." You reply, "There's nothing to talk about." Both of you knew it was a lie. Can you trust the boy you met behind the chain-link fence with your dark secret? In the end, will love be reason enough to live? Is Faith and Hope enough to bring these two together? Will the joining of their hearts and bodies be what they need to survive? Trigger warning: Depression. Mental health issues. Discussion of self-harm and childhood s/a. (Not romanticized or glorified or explicitly written.) BTS and OCs. Cover by: LAJoynerComplete
...
Complete
Locked In
You don't believe me anyways. You don't see me throwing away my inhibitions or filling up my online shopping cart. You don't see me diving into new life goals and careers and areas of study. You don't see my cry to myself in the car when my chest sinks in and my head gets crushed in a vice. You don't feel the panic in my stomach whenever I must make human contact. And you sure don't see how hard I try. How I wake up every morning and apply my mask. My work mask- to conceal all of this. But.... It's been the same mask for many years And my mask is wearing thin. My sadness, my anger, my paranoia and grand euphoria are trying to become a part of your world too. A world where it's not welcome. A world where it's not understood, where it's frowned upon.Complete
𝐍𝐄𝐄𝐃 𝐌𝐄
🚧 UNDER CONSTRUCTION 🚧 〤In editing process, first book, revamping in progress〤 ❝ 𝐿𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝑀𝒶𝒹𝑒 𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝒟𝒶𝓃𝑔𝑒𝓇 𝐼𝓃 𝒴𝑜𝓊 𝐿𝑜𝑜𝓀 𝐿𝒾𝓀𝑒 𝒮𝒶𝒻𝑒𝓉𝓎 , ❞ ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ. I decided to explore a little and found a room that had a beautiful black bed. It was very masculine, but the smell gave me butterflies. I approached the curtains on the large and long windows and gently touched them. "May I help you?" a tall figure asked with his hands In his pockets. I quickly turned around and was shocked at the sight I was seeing. It was the man with beautiful brown eyes. "No, I'm sorry, I just liked the way your room looked," I told him with a slight smile. ₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ. Yelena Alverez, nineteen-year-old, born in Italy raised in New York by her adoptive mother, Yelena, crosses paths with Adrian Costello, a twenty-five-year-old Mafia underboss. Adrian is a carefree sinner. He can shoot you in the head twenty-seven times with no guilt. Yelena loses her adoptive mother and is forced to move in with her biological parents. To Yelena, they were terrible people that had no emotion. Once Yelena got closer to her family, she realized they weren't bad people. Well, she was wrong. Her entire family is also in the Italian Mafia and her father is the boss. Adrian has never shown emotion towards a woman in his entire life, but once he meets Yelena, he falls in love. ₊‧ ✩ ੈ * ⚬ ʚ♡ɞ ⚬ * ੈ✩‧₊ * NEEDS MAJOR EDITING * xoxo, Scythe 🍜 ‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵ #1 - troublemaking #1 - Pinocchio #1 - Disparity #2 - forbiddenlove #2 - age gap #1 - Mine 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗲𝗱 : 𝘀𝗲𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿 𝟮𝟬𝘁𝗵 , 𝟮𝟬𝟮𝟭 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗶𝘀𝗵𝗲𝗱 : 𝗝𝘂𝗹𝘆 𝟭𝟱𝘁hComplete
Don't Hurt Me: Book One (bxb) ✔️
Book one of six in the Chaotic Hearts series. BOOKS MUST BE READ IN ORDER. - RIVER MINTZ: Listen, I need you to hear me out. I'm a little bit impulsive, and I don't think anything through enough before I'm implementing my next plan of action. And it's because of my impulsiveness that I even ended up in this heartbreaking situation. See, I was falsely engaged to a man-a straight man named Louis-who did some awful things in his lifetime. You don't even want to know. But my parents had sent me to college and told me to discover life outside my wealth. I needed money. But when I found out what Louis had done, I immediately left. I didn't want anything to do with him. He was a vile human being. I should have known better. However, I didn't want my parents to know that I was someone's pet, so while they knew nothing about Louis, I also never told them we broke things off out of fear of my Mother's hound nose discovering what I'd done to make money during college. It's been five months since I ended things with him, and my Mom begged me to come home for Christmas this year and to bring my fiancé. And I couldn't very well say we were no longer together out of thin air, right? I had to figure something out, or my Mom would know I was lying. So, why did my ex-boyfriend, Seven Knight, appear in Chicago when he lived in Vermont, last I heard? Why did he agree so easily? Why was he so willing to go along with this? Mom found out my "fiancé" is Seven, and now she is begging us to get married on Christmas! What do I do?! We haven't seen or spoken in years because we... had to discover life outside of one another. But what I never told him? I never wanted that. And now, I have to pretend we're happily together, and it's confusing my brain. I still love him. I crave him. I need him. But I have doubt that he feels the same. It's been too long. I don't have much to offer. How could he still want me? Ha. What a fun Christmas holiday this will be, right?Complete
Abigail
(In editing) She's depressed. She's anorexic. She's suicidal. She's insecure. Abigail has grown up with her three brothers and James, never meeting her parents, who abandoned her at birth. Her brothers were left to take care of her and keep a roof over their heads. Everyday they struggle to take care of Abigail, while working to keep them in their home. Life for them is hard. Life for Abigail is even harder. She has a dark mind and not by choice. Somewhere along the way she's developed these feelings of loneliness and hopelessness. Everyday is a struggle for her and just getting out of bed is a success. She meets Zach, a bad boy with a bad reputation. He starts off as a tutor, just to help her out, out of pity. But eventually feelings get involved and Abigail finds herself liking a boy for the first time in her life. Things get serious and she somehow learns about his drug dealing business. Everything gets hectic and Abigail doesn't know what to do with her life anymore. Or if she even wants to live.Complete
"Don't you see now why we can't be together?" I whispered at the crazy boy in front of me. "Aren't you repulsed by me? Disgusted? Dis interested? Can't you just tear my heart out and leave like any other normal teenage boy?" My voice cracked. He simply shook his head. "Sweetheart, I thought I made it clear from the first time I said it," He paused, "I. Like. You." He emphasized every word, and I gaped at him. "Hell of a lot, actually, so it'd be great if you stopped being salty and liked me back." "Don't you get it?" I whispered unbelievingly, "After all that, and you still don't get why I can't be with you?" He seemed relaxed, calm. Too calm for this situation. "My life doesn't involve a guy like you, Nathan. Never did. You're not my knight in shinning armor, and you aren't going to save me. This is reality, the real world. And the real world doesn't have happy endings." ---- To me, there's are six different types of crying. One; The Breakdown. Two; The Longing. Three; The Hysterical. Four; The Broken. Five; The Happy. Six; The Inevitable." ---- This short story is very depressing, I'm warning you now. It may trigger memories, or depression symptoms.
More detailsContent Guidelines