Despondency

"He'll never forgive me"
I said covering my face with my palm , crying harder than before. Even I won't forgive myself

"Yes he will" Aisha said sternly taking my hands in hers. She rushed in 30mins ago after receiving my call and she's been trying to convince me to call Fahad.

I asked her to come alone and I didn't tell her anything because I don't want anyone to know about this.

"I'm a great sinner even before Allah, I'm a murderer Aisha, a murderer"!!! I said snatching my hands. I started pacing around the room bitting what's left of my nails.

Aisha grabbed my shoulders harshly and screamed in my face, I was terrified I have never seen her like this, she is usually soft and kind .
" ENOUGH AMMA!! , you're not a murderer, it was an accident and qadr you couldn't have escaped it. Stop being hard on yourself, call your husband "asamu ayi masa sutura" (so they can wash & clothe the body) .

I dialed his number with shaky hands and put the phone on speaker I don't think I have the strength to lift my hand to ear level.. I rested my head on my sister's shoulder as she comforted me.

The body was lying right in front of us and I couldn't take my eyes off of him.. "Hello, Salamualaikum Amma sweetie ?"........ I kept sobbing and couldn't utter a word , how will I bring myself to tell him this, how.... just how.

"subhanallah habibti is everything ok, why are you crying ?.... hello..... hello "

After a series of Hello's and a pleading look from Aisha I finally said something.

"I.... KIL....LED.....OUR..... SON".