lost in my head

TW!!!
abuse, sex, swearing, violence and harassment, please do no read if you know anything like that will trigger you!!!

"I'm sorry babe" I say, I try to make it sound sincere but I stopped feeling a long time ago, he know's it too, maybe that's why he's constantly angry, because I don't love him? because I don't care for him? because the trust I have in myself has been washed away after everytime I tried convincing myself that he was worth it, and after he proved that I was lying to myself everytime. Anyone in this position would feel the same yet I feel so alone, what am I supposed to do? run away? except I have nowhere nor no one I can run to and that feels a whole lot scarier then staying.

It's all his fault, or maybe it's mine, I let him act like this, infact I would blame myself for creating this monster since I was always too young and naive to fight back and instead I just told myself it was 'because he loved me' except for 2 years I've been dealing with this same 'love' that has slowly drained any young living girl that was once in me. "Don't sass me you b!tch" he screams and I just close my eyes, go one and hit me like you always do, I don't care anymore, hit me, kick me, slap me, kill me.

I used to be lost in your eyes, in your touch, in your voice, but now...now I'm just lost my head and no one can save me.