Setting Paragraph

This is a task from English. We had to write a paragraph about setting and the impact of phenomenological forces. I wasn't exactly proud of this paragraph but my teacher liked it so the two chapters of this are my version and his.

I really wanted to show the drunkenly unnatural forces acting on the girl by showing the absence of social resistance or at least her unawareness of it. Hence, having her intoxicated was the way to go in my mind. There is an obvious motif was forms of water and birds which I tried to integrate (poorly) into the regular flow of words.

I've been thinking of taking the story further and playing with colour perception a little bed, especially cool tones being interrupted with red. So let me know if you like it and if I should develop or abandon it.

Hope you like it.