The Search is Over
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Ongoing
Last published Tue, May 4, 2021
I've been in a relationship many times if flings can be counted as relationships. Been there done that of all the things people in a "relationship" usually do pero hindi yung ano ha. But why do I always have this hole inside me. The feeling of being not complete in every "relationship" I had. Kaya nga siguro flings lang ang kaya ko. Maybe because I saw how my mother crushed to pieces when she felt she found her one true love but got neglected and rejected in the end. Kaya siguro hanggang ngayon hindi ko mabigay ang tamang pagmamahal kasi I'm scared. Scared to be like my mother, scared to go through the things she's been through, scared to lose myself in the process of loving someone.
The hell, I am scared. I finally accepted the truth that I am scared of relationships. This true love they always seek and want. I never let myself get attached with the men i had "relationships" with. Natatakot ako na ma attach nang sobra na dumating ang panahon na para mabuhay araw-araw ay kailangan ma hawakan at makita ko sila like what my mother had done. Ayaw kong mapunta sa ganun kaya I break up with them kung yun nga ang tamang term kung fling lang naman kayo. I don't know how my heart could have done all of that na para bang wala lang sa kanya, ganun na ba ako kamanhid. Hindi ko na rin alam, wala na akong alam.
Pero will me, having this defense mechanism towards men be used against a man na unti-unting kumakapit sa puso ko nang hindi ko na namamalayan because I'm too busy teaching myself hating him to be able to stop this love thing creeping inside me. i don't know kung true love na to ha. Whatever!
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"You are mine" Three words that keep hunting me. Im his, I know. Simula ng magpakasal kami ay itinalaga ko na ang aking sarili na pag-aari niya. Mahal na mahal ko siya, kaya gumawa ako ng paraan para siya ay maging akin. Isang aksyon na pinagsisisihan kong ginawa ko. Oo mahal ko siya, pero ipanangako niya sa akin sa mismong araw ng aming kasal, that he will make my life a living hell. Ginawa nga niyang lahat para danasin ko iyon. Lumayo ako at iniwan siya. Pinilit kong kalimutan lahat pati pagmamahal ko para sa kaniya. Pero mukhang nagkamali ako ng akala, dahil sa oras na nakita ko siyang muli, akala ko nawala na ang pagmamahal na sinasabi ko ngunit hindi pala. He owns me again and this time mukhang wala na akong kawala. I know this is my karma, to be with him and be hurt. Hanggang kailan ko ba mararanasan ang masaktan? Will he love me back the way I love him? Kailan kaya mapapasa-akin ang puso niya? I'm Natalie, and this is my story.
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