The Search is Over

I've been in a relationship many times if flings can be counted as relationships. Been there done that of all the things people in a "relationship" usually do pero hindi yung ano ha. But why do I always have this hole inside me. The feeling of being not complete in every "relationship" I had. Kaya nga siguro flings lang ang kaya ko. Maybe because I saw how my mother crushed to pieces when she felt she found her one true love but got neglected and rejected in the end. Kaya siguro hanggang ngayon hindi ko mabigay ang tamang pagmamahal kasi I'm scared. Scared to be like my mother, scared to go through the things she's been through, scared to lose myself in the process of loving someone.

The hell, I am scared. I finally accepted the truth that I am scared of relationships. This true love they always seek and want. I never let myself get attached with the men i had "relationships" with. Natatakot ako na ma attach nang sobra na dumating ang panahon na para mabuhay araw-araw ay kailangan ma hawakan at makita ko sila like what my mother had done. Ayaw kong mapunta sa ganun kaya I break up with them kung yun nga ang tamang term kung fling lang naman kayo. I don't know how my heart could have done all of that na para bang wala lang sa kanya, ganun na ba ako kamanhid. Hindi ko na rin alam, wala na akong alam.

Pero will me, having this defense mechanism towards men be used against a man na unti-unting kumakapit sa puso ko nang hindi ko na namamalayan because I'm too busy teaching myself hating him to be able to stop this love thing creeping inside me. i don't know kung true love na to ha. Whatever!