Jars in the Cupboard

Moments of introspection can be both informative and horrifying. You start to think, Why am I the way I am? Or, Why did I behave that way in that situation? Or, Did I mean what I said that time I...? Once the questions begin, you become your own persecutor, defense, jury, and judge. I'm the kind of person that leans heavy on the gavel. I think, I'm better than that, and That wasn't the best way to handle things. It never dawned on me how critical I was on myself to be what, by my standards were, a "good person." Most people define what a good person is based on how they were raised, the lessons they were taught in school, or by fuzzy puppets on television. My notion of being a good person comes from what I learned from my family; more specifically, what I learned not to do.

By many people, I've been told that I am too kind, that I like everyone, that I am easy to forgive. These things are true. I understand what the lack of kindness, the lack of liking, and the lack of forgiveness can do to a person. Living this way helps me navigate the new life I chose for myself. This new life was born out of sacrifice - sacrifice of a family, a home, a life of twenty years. And when you've sacrificed everything and started all over, wouldn't you want to live like a good person? Wouldn't you want to prove to them that you were a good person all along? That it was just the circumstances around you that broke you down and made you hate everything and everyone? But who exactly are you trying to convince - them or yourself? For me, it was both.