Finding Hope

I don't know what to do now. I can feel the panic flutter in my chest as I take in a sharp breath. I swear my brain is rapid-firing every anxious thought I've ignored for the past 4 years. I don't know what I'm doing now. I thought I had everything planned. In reality, I was in denial the whole time. And now I'm lost. I was supposed to build something for my life. I was supposed to get out. I filled my head with a fantasy of how great my life could be. But it was all my imagination. So stupid. I was so stupid. How could I fuck things up this badly?

I spent my whole life listening to what other people want. Trying to please everyone else. Trying not to be a burden. Now as I sat at my desk, space heater cooking my legs, I felt angry staring at the screen on my laptop. I had been misguided by the notions of others. I let my life be controlled by the desires of others.

And what about me?

Should I have known better? What could I have done?

It seemed at that moment like my best wasn't enough.

My life had been going in every direction but the right one. Upon completing my last year of my undergraduate degree I had to decide what my next career move should be after finishing school. I was in a battle with my worst self and trying to come out on top. And more than that, I was never really sure I would find my own happy ending. I wasn't even sure what a happy ending could mean for me. That was until I met him. When he came into my life it gave me hope. I was meant to find my path and that's exactly what I did.