Finding Hope
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- Parts 2
Ongoing6m
Last published Wed, Sep 8, 2021
I don't know what to do now. I can feel the panic flutter in my chest as I take in a sharp breath. I swear my brain is rapid-firing every anxious thought I've ignored for the past 4 years. I don't know what I'm doing now. I thought I had everything planned. In reality, I was in denial the whole time. And now I'm lost. I was supposed to build something for my life. I was supposed to get out. I filled my head with a fantasy of how great my life could be. But it was all my imagination. So stupid. I was so stupid. How could I fuck things up this badly?
I spent my whole life listening to what other people want. Trying to please everyone else. Trying not to be a burden. Now as I sat at my desk, space heater cooking my legs, I felt angry staring at the screen on my laptop. I had been misguided by the notions of others. I let my life be controlled by the desires of others.
And what about me?
Should I have known better? What could I have done?
It seemed at that moment like my best wasn't enough.
My life had been going in every direction but the right one. Upon completing my last year of my undergraduate degree I had to decide what my next career move should be after finishing school. I was in a battle with my worst self and trying to come out on top. And more than that, I was never really sure I would find my own happy ending. I wasn't even sure what a happy ending could mean for me. That was until I met him. When he came into my life it gave me hope. I was meant to find my path and that's exactly what I did.
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It wasn't necessarily the way that he would talk, even though have of the time I had to ask him what he meant. It wasn't even the way that he would try to tease me about my height even though he wasn't all that tall himself. Maybe it was the way that he would chuckle under his breath when he had to explain something to me (more than once I might add) Or maybe it was the way that he would go out of his way to meet up with me in the hallways right before my algebra class just so we could hear how the others day was going (which almost made us late to class on numerous occasions) Or maybe it was even the way that he would compliment me on the rare occasion (He had told me once that I looked beautiful with glasses even though I hated them and preferred my contacts more) It could've even been the fact that when he spotted me in the hallways and would leave his friends just to come and talk to me. Even though I would point out the fact that he left his friends, he would just smile and chuckle which would cause a blush to creep up onto my features. All I knew at the time was that I was falling in love with one of the smartest people I had known. I prayed that by some miracle the feelings would go away, even though I knew they wouldn't. After graduation, it would be a long time before we crash into each other again. If I would've known that I would find him again in the future, I would've prepared myself better. But as I stood there, staring into those blue eyes of his, I knew that I had fallen in love with him all over again. ((Also none of the pictures are mine, all credit goes to the original artists))
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