"My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. I was, like, so totally heartbroken. I decided to rip his pictures to shreds, act like a constipated pig in the middle of a forest, and seriously contemplate on other ways to make myself appear pathetic to those reading my story." . . . In other words, as Balok could decipher, the world was going to end unless someone stopped someone else from spilling Coke. Yeah.