𝘀𝗮𝗳𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲

"Why on earth would you get this shitfaced?"

"Why would anyone get this drunk?" she countered, glaring at me with her eyes closed.

"You said 'that's the point' when I told you you were going to get hurt. You were going to hurt yourself." My voice shook. I didn't understand why my hands were this clammy, or why my pulse was racing this rapidly.

"I wasn't gonna do shit," she snapped. "I just wouldn't care if something happened to me. I'm not suicidal, but I wouldn't care if I died."

I put a hand to my throat, not being able to process her words. "Why were you... Why did you do it?"

She shrugged, knowing what I meant. "Because I wanted a distraction. Because you didn't pick up."

I slid my eyes over to her. "Why does it matter that I didn't pick up? What were you going to ask me?" She sighed heavily, blinking slowly at the wall. "Was I... Was I your first thought as a distraction?"

"Would you have said yes?"

I clamped my mouth shut. _If you weren't blackout drunk, maybe_. "No."

"Exactly. But when everyone's drunk off their asses, 's easier to get a hook up. 'S sloppier and I can't remember it, but at leas' I'm getting my brains fucked out instead of thinking...all those thoughts."

"What thoughts?" I asked softly.

She shrugged again. "Honestly? Dunno. Sometimes it's just...my brain is full. And I'm stuck in a certain emotion and it's just three thoughts that run in circles 'n it's all I can think about. Having a distraction makes me notice the noise less." She frowned, turning her head to squint at me. "I'm thinkin' about it now, and you're probs the first person besides Leander that makes my head quiet." I hated the look in her eyes. "You make it...bearable."