Deliberation

You know those moments when you just sit down trying to figure out the emotional mess that is going on inside your head and heart. It's like you are sad but then you are not, like you are depressed but then again you are not. You just feel sorry for yourself for not being strong enough. You try to act tough. To hide whatever it is you are feeling inside you. But in the end all those locked up feelings are subjected to explode. It might take a day or two, a month or a year and sometimes years. And the worst part is when you let those feeling go, when the tears flow. That's when you are at your weakest, that's when all your wounds open up, and that's when hell breaks loose. And most important that's when you are reborn. All of those negative feelings will change you. You will become bitter, cold, heartless even though it's not the real you. People will start telling you that you have changed but then again weren't they the reason? They were behind most of the damage done and you were stupid enough to let them but now, now when you finally build your army, your defenses against their games they start judging you and criticizing your actions. They don't get that this bitterness is nothing more but a shield. A shield your heart makes to save itself from being ripped apart again. No it's a shield your mind installs to prevent the mistakes your heart made when it was in charge.