Do i deserve to be happy

Nakatingin ako sa salamin.

Pinagmamasdan ko ang sarili kong nakangiti-yung abot hanggang mata, yung halos mawala na ang paningin ko sa sobrang saya.

I practiced my laugh, the kind that sounds light, airy, and perfectly fine.
But then, the muscle in my cheeks started to ache.

Dahan-dahang nawala ang kurba sa labi ko. The light in my eyes flickered out, leaving nothing but a dull, empty stare. In just a second, the girl in the mirror looked like a complete stranger.

"Do I deserve to be happy?" I whispered to the cold glass.

The question felt heavy, like a stone dropping into a deep, dark well. Do I really deserve this? The laughter? The fleeting moments of joy I felt kanina lang?
I wonder how people see me when I'm out there.

Kapag ngumingiti ako sa kanila, kapag tumatawa ako sa mga biro nila... do they see through me? Do they see the cracks behind the mask?

Do they see me as fake?

Kasi minsan, kahit ako, hindi ko na kilala kung sino ang totoo.

Am I just a collection of practiced reactions? Am I just a script that I've memorized to keep everyone from asking if I'm okay?

There are nights like this when I just pity myself. It's pathetic, really. Looking at my own reflection and feeling sorry for the person staring back.

I'm tired.

Pagod na akong ipaglaban ang sarili ko.

Pagod na akong kumbinsihin ang mundo-at ang puso ko-na kaya ko pa. Na okay lang ako. Na darating din ang araw na hindi ko na kailangang mag-practice sa harap ng salamin.

I leaned my forehead against the mirror, my breath fogging up the glass. I asked the same question for the hundredth time tonight, the words tasted like salt and regret.

"Do I deserve to be happy?"

Kasi sa totoo lang? Baka ang tanging bagay na deserve ko talaga... ay ang mapagod nang ganito.