To Walk Through The Valley of The Shadow of Death

Hey guys, this is a story I wrote this school year for English class. It was a developing story idea within the crevices of my cranium, and I had the chance to write some of it out in class. Please, feel free to criticize it, but make sure that in the end I can tell whether you want more or not (more specifically, whether it is worth my time). If you find it worthwhile, I will work on it more (probably as a light novel series known as Other World).