My Crappy Life !
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- Votes 2
- Parts 2
I have a best friend who is dating my other best friend. I feel like If I can't speak up and tell them exactly how i'm feeling, then i can't be friends with them anymore. I might say something that will hurt someones feelings but I can't keep it to myself anymore.
I was even considering suicide at a moment in my life. Only 1 best friend text me and exactly said, "Change your name. Ain't no one going to shoot you. I don't ever wanna see your kik name like that, ok?" At that moment, I realized that I mattered to at least 1 person, (other than my family).
IDC, If it was only person. But I knew that if i even tried to comment suicide that that one person would really be affected. And i could not bare, looking down and see that person going crazy. I might seem like i'm in a good place but i'm not. I have really dark and deep thoughts that I feel like i can't tell anyone because they will judge me.
So, I keep it to myself. Now i'm realizing that I can't KEEP everything bottled up inside anymore. I will just lose it. I might say somethings to people that I don't mean. I might act like someone i'm not just so that people won't ask me whats wrong. But most times when they do, I lie. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I'm done with people controlling my life. I'm done with being afraid to say what i'm feeling. I know, it might take awhile to get back to how I was. But this is a step. Before, I couldn't even bare the fact that i'm feeling this way. Let alone, talk to someone or people about it.
I don't want you guys to think that i'm seriously going to hurt my self. I don't want to die just because of my crappy life and the shitty people that are in it. But, I know the two people that I can sometimes go to. All of the time, I know I can go to Corey because I know he truly cares and he really likes having my in his life. (so he says). The other Tamia. Most of the time I can go to her. Don't judge me.
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Loneliness. Depression. Broken. Scared. Devastated. Hopeless. Mournful. Disheartening. Bleak. Joyless. Somber. I have no one. Depression and Loneliness are the only things I feel. My family tries to make me happy, but I just put on a fake smile and cry about it in my room. They act like everything is alright, but everything is not. They KNOW I was devastated about Mom's murder. They KNOW I was heartbroken about Dad's sickness that eventually killed him. That's all I've thought about. Devastation and heartbroken. Just because of those two things. Never in my life I have been this devastating. Dayton, Hayden, Angel, or Monica know how to make me truly happy. Not even my own siblings know how to make me show a real smile. Suicide is all I can think about day to day and I've almost died because of that. DEPRESSION IS A REAL THING. NO ONE KNOWS HOW I FEEL EVERYDAY. NO ONE CAN JUDGE OTHERS ABOUT DEPRESSION OR EVEN MAKE JOKES ABOUT IT BECAUSE ITS A REAL THING. DEPRESSION HAS KILLED PEOPLE. EVERYONE IN MY LIFE JUDGES ME JUST BECAUSE I DON'T SMILE, LAUGH, HUG, OR DO ANYTHING NORMAL PEOPLE DO. I CUT MYSELF, I CRY, I YELL, I VENT, I PUSH PEOPLE OUT OF MY LIFE. Those are the things people are worried about me. "Go kill yourself and join your parents in hell." They say and I just shrug it off and find a private place to hide and cry it out. "I CAN'T DEAL WITH LIFE ANYMORE!!!!" I say and I use my sharp nails and cut myself then cry some more. A gun is buried within my arm for defense from my dad, but I use it in case I am tired of society. Then that's when I met the Host Club. They saw my sadness and made me a part of it to repay my debt for accidentally breaking a vase. I am now a Host for men to flatter them, but how can normal guys want me to be a Host when I wear lip earrings, eyeliner, chains, and have a gun in my arm? I'm the definition of Hell. Then he made me smile again, something that I thought I would never get back. Happiness.
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