My Crappy Life !

I have a best friend who is dating my other best friend. I feel like If I can't speak up and tell them exactly how i'm feeling, then i can't be friends with them anymore. I might say something that will hurt someones feelings but I can't keep it to myself anymore.

I was even considering suicide at a moment in my life. Only 1 best friend text me and exactly said, "Change your name. Ain't no one going to shoot you. I don't ever wanna see your kik name like that, ok?" At that moment, I realized that I mattered to at least 1 person, (other than my family).

IDC, If it was only person. But I knew that if i even tried to comment suicide that that one person would really be affected. And i could not bare, looking down and see that person going crazy. I might seem like i'm in a good place but i'm not. I have really dark and deep thoughts that I feel like i can't tell anyone because they will judge me.

So, I keep it to myself. Now i'm realizing that I can't KEEP everything bottled up inside anymore. I will just lose it. I might say somethings to people that I don't mean. I might act like someone i'm not just so that people won't ask me whats wrong. But most times when they do, I lie. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I'm done with people controlling my life. I'm done with being afraid to say what i'm feeling. I know, it might take awhile to get back to how I was. But this is a step. Before, I couldn't even bare the fact that i'm feeling this way. Let alone, talk to someone or people about it.

I don't want you guys to think that i'm seriously going to hurt my self. I don't want to die just because of my crappy life and the shitty people that are in it. But, I know the two people that I can sometimes go to. All of the time, I know I can go to Corey because I know he truly cares and he really likes having my in his life. (so he says). The other Tamia. Most of the time I can go to her. Don't judge me.