My Crappy Life !
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I have a best friend who is dating my other best friend. I feel like If I can't speak up and tell them exactly how i'm feeling, then i can't be friends with them anymore. I might say something that will hurt someones feelings but I can't keep it to myself anymore.
I was even considering suicide at a moment in my life. Only 1 best friend text me and exactly said, "Change your name. Ain't no one going to shoot you. I don't ever wanna see your kik name like that, ok?" At that moment, I realized that I mattered to at least 1 person, (other than my family).
IDC, If it was only person. But I knew that if i even tried to comment suicide that that one person would really be affected. And i could not bare, looking down and see that person going crazy. I might seem like i'm in a good place but i'm not. I have really dark and deep thoughts that I feel like i can't tell anyone because they will judge me.
So, I keep it to myself. Now i'm realizing that I can't KEEP everything bottled up inside anymore. I will just lose it. I might say somethings to people that I don't mean. I might act like someone i'm not just so that people won't ask me whats wrong. But most times when they do, I lie. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I'm done with people controlling my life. I'm done with being afraid to say what i'm feeling. I know, it might take awhile to get back to how I was. But this is a step. Before, I couldn't even bare the fact that i'm feeling this way. Let alone, talk to someone or people about it.
I don't want you guys to think that i'm seriously going to hurt my self. I don't want to die just because of my crappy life and the shitty people that are in it. But, I know the two people that I can sometimes go to. All of the time, I know I can go to Corey because I know he truly cares and he really likes having my in his life. (so he says). The other Tamia. Most of the time I can go to her. Don't judge me.
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Best friends are hard to come by, and it's even harder not to fall for them. Jake and I are pushing six years in our friendship, and my love for him is undeniable now. It's ironic because he was in love with me, or claimed to be, but I didn't feel the same. And, of course, we did date. For like two months, but that ended and he move on to a girl who should have been my friend. I'm still in love with him though, even though it took me forever to uncloud my mind to realize it. It's much to late to fight for it now. It's gone, and so is who he used to be. I remember when those eyes landed on me that night. I can still see the moon reflecting in those enchanting orbs of hers. I remember how her smile seemed to be brighter than the fire. I also remember how I barely said a word to her the whole night. Kayden sat with her instead, and they laughed and flirted. They ended up dating for three months before she ended it, but that night. The night before she dated my cousin, before she planned for Boston, before I met Amy, and before everything fucked up. That night I swore one day I'd call her mine, and I would never, not ever, let her slip away. Now that, my dearest friends, is real irony.
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