Two steps forward, five steps backwards

We sat there in the smoked filled diner along side the other washed up civilians. He grabbed my hand and our fingers intertwined, but I still felt nothing. Like I've told him time and time again, I'm not capable of feeling things. I want to love him. I want to allow him to love me. But I know I'll never love him the way he deserves to be loved. And that's what keeps me up at night. That's what keeps me coming back, I thought maybe eventually it could work out. Maybe eventually I wouldn't be such a head fuck. But now I know that's not going to change. Something inside me craves strange men in the middle of the night. Maybe it's because I'm use to it or maybe it's because I'm scared of something real. "I'm sorry" I mouth to him as he sits across from me his eyes locked on mine. His mouth opened as sweet nothings poured out "I know" he said back.