healing my journey
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- Parts 16
MatureOngoing15m
Last published Sun, Jul 16, 2023
I have been through many toxic relationships, mental illness I had to learn how to live with, bullying and body dysmorphia. This is my healing journal.
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Foul Play
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Trauma Ruined My LIfe (The Real-Life Journal Of An Abuser)
It was October 2023, and my now-ex-fiance had moved out of our trailer for good. I decided to end our relationship and thought I had emotionally moved on from them. I was wrong-dead wrong. What followed them moving out was something I could not have ever thought to experience. I began to experience extreme mood swings, controlling behavior, self-esteem issues, and a new-found addiction to alcohol. This was just the tip of the iceberg, as I was constantly flirting with suicide on a daily basis. I could not begin to even tell you about how I went through an emo phase, a "man hoe" phase, and multiple other phases as well due to my deteriorating mental health. I began to document my everyday life after our split through two separate journals over a twelve-month span. This is the true tale of how a breakup brought me to the realization that I was an abuser and that I became the same monster that I swore not to become as a kid. This is how trauma ruined my life, and how it will ruin yours too.Complete
Noah (Obsessions in Overdrive #1)
I've always had a feeling that I would die young. Ever since I started pondering on deaths door I've had this feeling. I could care less about the hell and heaven shenanigans, but death. I want it. The end of my life. I want to be in my suit, in my coffin, in the ground and my soul to be gone. I've been waiting for 16 years, yet no sign of death opening his door no matter how many times I ring his doorbell. Yeah, I enjoy thinking about my end. Especially at moments like this... *** #1 physical #1 cuteguys #1 addiction #2 self-esteem *** Started: 7 November 2022 Finished: 18 April 2024Complete
The Tortured Soul Suit
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If You Love Me
"If you love me, you won't leave me." Jessie has believed those words from her boyfriend, Josh, since senior year of high school. She loves him and doesn't want to leave him. Not even when he shouts at her and hits her. Jessie's best friend, Kolleen, can't stand seeing her in that situation. With a bit of convincing - and the worst beating she'd ever received - Jessie agrees to move into an apartment with Kolleen. But not long after, Jessie is scared the worst of her nightmares will soon become a reality. Josh goes missing, and suddenly Jessie would swear she's being followed. One night changes everything, and one person soon changes Jessie's outlook. A responding officer from that fateful night begins to seek her out, at first claiming it's part of his job. As she spends time with her new friend outside of his job, she starts realizing that her feelings are evolving. After being abused for over a year, Jessie is terrified she's falling in love. What's even more terrifying is that he might be, too. She isn't ready for love. Not yet. She makes up her mind that if he is falling, and if he does love her, he'll wait for her to be ready, and if she loves him, she won't let herself hurt him. Can the words that used to cage her in really be the key to her freedom? --- Featured On: @NA: Take a seat and let it be | Mature Content and 18+ reading list @NA: You deserve the world | Mental Health reading list Ambys Top Picks New Adult 2023Complete
The Night Sky is in Her Veins
// s o n d e r \\ - "the realisation that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own" Life can be dark, cold and lonely. Feeling betrayed, misunderstood, chewed up and spat out by the world, its when I get sonder, that I realise I might not be as alone as I thought. This is my autobiography, in a series of harsh and delicate words, painted as a story. Includes drugs, sex, alcoholism, depression, anxiety, self harm, suicidal tendencies, assault and other hard topics, so read at your own discretion. THIS IS THE TRIGGER WARNING. I wrote it, with the intention that, if there are people in the world who feel alone and misunderstood just like me, and can benefit in any way by relating to my stories in my poems, then I have done at least one thing right. Highest rankings: #1 in poetry 07/05/2021 #1 in poetry 26/11/2021 #1 in slampoetry 07/05/2021 #1 in sonder 08/05/2021 #1 in sonder 06/12/2021 #2 in slampoetry 25/11/2021 #2 in slampoetry 01/12/2021 #2 in slampoetry 06/12/2021 #2 in sonder 27/11/2021 #2 in sonder 01/12/2021 #3 in slampoetry 06/07/2021 #3 in sonder 30/09/2021 #3 in sonder 25/11/2021 #3 in sonder 11/12/2021 #4 in slampoetry 24/11/2021 #4 in slampoetry 03/01/2022 #5 in melancholy #6 in sadness #11 in poetry #11 in alcoholism #21 in smokingComplete
Cheat
I've written 3 anonymous online journals so far in my life. The first was as an adolescent, ending when, at 19, I commenced a long term relationship in which my partner had an issue with me writing about my thoughts and feelings in case they were about her. I also had to cease my other creative outlet - drawing. Because she felt it's abstracted nature hid secret messages about her. The second started when that relationship was coming to an end. I needed an outlet. I had nobody to talk to about what I was going through so I secretly started writing again. This is that second journal, when I was around 25 years old, which I've taken from it's retired blogger page and have transferred here. Part of the reason I am doing this is because my daughter, who was very young at the time of writing this, has expressed some curiosity about my journal. One day when she's older and has more life experience it might be OK to see what I'm writing now, but in the meantime, she can read this, a moment in my life for which she was present but that she could not understand at the time.
His Heart to Love
"Been about you, since I met you and imma keep it that way" You're special to me. You're the only one who I wouldn't mind losing sleep for, the only one who I can never get tired of talking to, and the only one who crosses my mind constantly throughout the day. You're the only one who can make me smile without trying, bring down my mood without the intention to and affect my emotions with every action of yours. I can't explain with just words how much you mean to me, but you're the only one I'm afraid of losing and the one I want to keep in my life. So, please don't leave me. ~April 18, 2021 ~July 21, 2021 Rankings: #4 in mentaldisorder 9/16/2021 #6 in highschoolsweethearts 9/16/2021 #38 in urban 9/16/2021 #14 in blacklove 9/16/2021 #5 in angerissues 9/16/2021 #12 in urbanromance 9/16/2021 #3 in bwbm 9/16/2021 #20 in contemporarylit 9/16/2021 #29 in urbanstory 9/16/2021 #2 in africanamerican 9/16/2021Complete
**WARNING** ~contains explicit content that may not be acceptable to all viewers. discretion advised~ "The question, 'why shouldn't I?' played on a loop in my head. I was fed up with biting my tongue and walking the so-called straight and narrow. It had gotten me nothing but misfortune. People walked all over me because I showed them that it was possible. They say to be kind. To love. To live your life purely. Not to expect anything in return. Why then, did it seem like all anyone wanted was to take from me? Take and take and take until there was nothing left, and even then, try to take more. I had been told, over and over, that if I lived by the principles I had been taught, it would all pay off. I don't know if I believe in it anymore. Any of it." *** Have you ever experienced moments of lost time? An eerie sense of Deja-vu? Most people have, it can be fairly common. For Fawn, however, that feeling seems to go a little deeper. She finds herself waking up in clothes she didn't put on. Noticing things in places she swore she didn't put them. Hours, sometimes even days, lost to her. She begins to wonder... is this normal? The answer to that question may be one she doesn't truly want to find. There's a game being played, one Fawn never knew she signed up for; And her opponent isn't one to play nice. Can Fawn win this game, fair and square? Or will she have to make a Foul Play? *** Ms.Witch *** Created (December) 2024 & Completed () 2025
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