All Again

i know what is happening. this has happened before. it is all happening again and again and this time i don't think i can do it. i have changed everything but i still do it. i still kill her. i still see her fall in my arms and i don't know what I'm doing wrong. I wont do it this time. i can’t. i need more time. i need to figure something out. but to get more time i have to kill her. i see there fear in her amber and gold eyes as she knows whats coming. i have told her everything and she knows what has to happen. i hold her amber coloured skin and start to cry in her thick strawberry brown hair as i slide the blade in quickly and at the right angle so she doesn't have to suffer. i see the pain in her eyes for a second as she starts to form the words she always nearly says 
“i…” then her eyes glaze over and i am left alone. 
crying over her. i used to go into shock, i used to sit with her for days, i used to do so many things, but when this started to happen everything in my life changed. i lay her down and stand up silently, tears still rolling down my face. just because i do it so many times doesn't make it anymore painful. i feel it happening again and then i am having a panic attack in the corner. this is the only way it works. not like i can stop the panic attack. it finally ends and i drift off to sleep, waiting for it to happen over again. i will find out this time. i need to. i don't think i can handle much more. i… i… i…
"Sweet Dreams" is always the last thing i hear.