The Silmarillion For Morons

So you wanna read the Silmarillion, don'tcha? Tolkien's magnum opus, the entire reason Lord of the Rings exists, over 300 pages of genealogies, and for some reason a lot of singing? But you can't get through it, because you're a moron.
Well, don't you worry, dear moronic reader, for I, a certified Tolkien moron, will explain the ENTIRE book to you. Every bit. From the Two Trees to the One Ring. Everything. The whole book. We're gonna meet some wild folks and you're not gonna recognize a single name for a while.
Yes this will probably drive me insane. Don't worry about it.
And if you've already read the book, welcome. Feel free to yell what I missed in the comments.
Without further ado, let's get "The Silmarillion for Morons" started.

Cover Art is from The Fall of Gondolin, drawn by Alan Lee. I do not own works by the Tolkien estate