I stared at my reflection, satisfied with the progress that I had been making lately. Long runs and secret training had helped me stay in shape, and I had gotten used to the hunger pains. I was starting to feel better about myself, and that was good, right?
I left the bathroom and walked into the kitchen, where Todoroki was eating dinner. We made small talk for a few minutes, not really about anything specific, but I noticed him start to become less engaged in the conversation as time passed. I sat down with my bottle of water and unscrewed the lid--with a bit of struggle.
"Are you gonna eat anything?" He asked, gesturing to the pasta on the stove. I shrugged.
"I will in a little while. I'm not hungry right now."
He sighed, not sounding surprised by my answer. I expected him to object to this, as usual. However, he simply got up and walked away. He didn't even look at me as he sat down on the couch, turning on the tv.
"What's wrong?" I asked, feeling the obvious tension in the room.
He didn't say anything at all. Concerned and confused, I walked over to where I could see his face more clearly. Though it was somewhat dark, I could see the tears built up in his eyes as he bit his lip.
"Hey, talk to me. Please, what's wrong?" I asked, sitting down next to him.
As soon as I sat down, he stood up, tossing the remote onto the couch. He lingered there for a moment, clenching his fists.
"You know exactly what's wrong." He spat, almost angrily.
"I really don't, just... please talk to me about it."
He stayed silent again, and started to leave again.
"Hey, that's not fair." I said, standing up and rushing over to him. I grabbed his arm, but he instantly yanked it away from me.
"Not fair?!" He asked, bitterly. "You think this isn't fair to you? What about me?! Am I just supposed to sit here and just..."
"Just what?"
"Nothing. Just..."
He grinded his teeth and went back to the bedroom.
"When you decide to stop killing yourself, let me know. We'll talk then."
"the secret is to just be empty."
his reflection looms over him as if it were a giant wave waiting to devour him. he feels the noose of his subconscious grow tighter, suffocating him with the voices of dysmorphia. as it tightens, his control begins to slip.
"you can trust me...they don't know what you need...this is what will satisfy you."
in his mind, he is healthy and this is normal to want to be thin. he has to be the spitting image of a national-playing athlete. he has to be for his boyfriend; who would want to date someone this ugly? he has to be for his family; he can't fail their expectations. this is normal.
kei is stubborn. too stubborn for his own good.
"you're beautiful."
lair.
"you're perfect just the way you are."
shut up.
"i love you."
why?
it may be too late for kei to realize that he is no longer himself. he is nothing but a hollow shell living in foreign skin. inside, he is empty.
***
this story is inspired by jaidenanimations and BoyInABand's song "Empty". i do not own the song, nor do i take any credit for the lyrics.
i do not own haikyuu or any of the characters. these characters belong to Haruichi Furudate.
this story covers mature topics that may be triggering to some individuals. viewer discretion is advised.
lowercase intended.