The Idea Of Us

I'm afraid that people only ever like the idea of me
And once they get to know it they start to imagine who to better see.
They start seeing other people,
They go off to explore
They meet me but aren't satisfied
And then leave in the pursuit of more.
It's always happened
Like watching night turn to day
It's gotten almost too predictable
I can quote what they're gonna say.
Something about how nice I am
The classic "You deserve better, it's true."
Something about "How lucky anyone would be to have somebody like you."
And I get this sudden feeling
A horrible nauseous deja vu
"I think we would be better off as friend."
That ones a classic, tried and true.
And for a second I hate myself
And for a second I dissect everything I could've done wrong
For a minute I replay their words like my new least favourite song.
Then I start to think about it
Anyone would be lucky
I love in uppercase and bold
I'm the type to offer a blanket if I see you suddenly got cold.
For a second I hate myself
But I love the way that I cook
I start to think about it
I don't think I was made for flings.
I'm afraid that people only like the idea they have of me
Instead of trying to love the person
I've worked so hard to be.

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This is a story about love and fear, two contradictory feelings that have always been very near to me. We all have things we love, family, friends, lovers and similarly we all have fears, spiders, loss or even things that lurk in the dark.

I'm just like the rest of you, but instead of loving love, I fear it. It scares me in ways that no amount of darkness nor spiders ever could and yet I find myself giving into that fear...as I let it consume me fully