When Summer Comes
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- Parts 1
Ongoing7m
Last published Sun, Apr 16, 2023
It was at that time that I knew I messed up, HARD.
So here I am walking at the busy streets of Cotabato City, did'nt know what to do with this mess.
My Family kicked me out. So I have no choice but to go here where no one knows me. Where no one knows about that... (sigh) This is all my fault! If only I didn't do that, If only I didn't become weak. I wouldn't be miserable as fuck right now. If only I didn't fell in love with him.
Honestly, I just want to get lost right now. I want to end this. What's the purpose of being alive when everyone just turned their backs on you, when everyone is putting their fingers on you. I feel like suffocating right now. Help! Somebody help me! My hearts burning like hell. No matter how hard a punch my heart it still burning, I can't! I can't take it anymore!
I was distracted that I did'nt even notice that a car's coming towards me.
T-THIS.
IS THIS MY TIME?
HANGGANG DITO NA LANG BA AKO?
GANITO NA LANG BA MAGTATAPOS ANG BUHAY KO?
A sudden memory has crossed my mind. Those are the times where I was THE OLD ME, those time where I genuinely happy, those where he's not in my life yet...
I WISHED I could go back at THAT TIME.
I badly want to go back to where my life's not messed up like this...
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A few months ago, I bought a mug with gold gilt. On sale. Not a gift either nor because of an occasion to remember by it. Just plain, pretty mug for 15PLN. I drank my coffee from it since. I spat loose tea leaves into it. It never felt particularly significant. An ordinary object. Only when I lost it, I realised its true value. I sat comfortably at my desk one evening. Looking at my phone, I reached to take my song-text notebook. Trivial situation. My clumsy fingers were unable to avoid the mug. They allowed it to topple over, to slip from the desktop. Even though I did not see the split-second occurrence, I felt the pressure of unease. My head painted the trajectory of the fall on its own, the shattering, spillage. The loss. For a millisecond I still had hope, that I would be able to catch the mug, that I would be able to avoid what was about to happen. But I knew I was headed for failure. I don't have any superpowers. I only scalded my fingers. I looked at the mug's new shape for a long while, at the shattered pieces. At the spilling liquid. Our adventure came to an end. Irrevocably. I won't be drinking coffee from it anymore, nor spit tea leaves into it. Well. I shouldn't be sad, it was just a regular mug, just like thousands of others. I grew to like it, it kept me company throughout hundreds of warm drinks. I lost it. I hate this feeling the most. In the moment when I am losing something, I stop in my tracks, I hold my breath. It is always a very intense moment. A short one, but one that gives me the tight unpleasant feeling in my stomach. The feeling of loss is always accompanied by hope. Silly and naïve. Making me believe so strongly, that I can make it. That I will still be able to catch the mug mid-flight. When the feeling is entering the body, crawling into me I realise, how important it was to me. Whether it's Nivan or a stupid mug with gold gilt.
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