Her Secret

She knows she's privileged. She's not gonna deny that. That's why she's trying to learn about people. Just because she's privileged, doesnt mean she doesn't feel. She was obsessed about her because she knows exactly how she feels.

She hates feeling. She's weak to those who are weaker. She cant bear seeing people in pain. She doesn't know about their pain but she knows that they're in pain. And it's sometimes killing her that she cant do anything about it.

She just cant stand it. Whatever the reason is. Whomever side is good or bad. She's so fed up of seeing all this hate, she just want to disappear. Recently she's been asking if this is hell because of the darnest shallowest hate for people who doesnt deserve it exists.

It was exactly like Emily Dickinson's. She feels her. She knows what it feels like to obsess about your own death. She's written tons of things about it. Sometimes she wondered if she was her in her past life.

To obsess about her own death even when she was a fucking child. Her mom never understood why was she was being such a daredevil and careless and aloof. Seeing her mom not being able to understand her is painful too. Because her mom thinks it's her fault that she's like this.

She can say that she's had a happy and privileged childhood and life even up to now. But what's fucked up is that she'll almost do anything to be dead. If she could just stand seeing her family crying over her lifeless body, She would've been dead long before she got to college or maybe even middle school.

She's been obsessing about death for as long as she can remember and she doesn't even have a fucking idea why.