The Adventures of Chestnut J. Herring

Introduction: This is the bit where I introduce stuff.
Greetings, inferior biped. Prepare yourself to bask in my godly glory. Consider yourself honoured to even breathe the same air as me, never mind read a book written by my very own glorious hands. Or paws for that matter, for in fact, unlike you, primitive homosapien, I am of the most elegant and sophisticated species on this worthless planet. I am a cat. The felis catus. My name is Chestnut J. Herring. Do not ask me what the "J." stands for. It's important, of course. You wouldn't get it.
I have generously decided to take time out of my busy schedule to sit down and recall my story. I suppose humans, like yourself, would probably be under the impression that this is a work of fiction. If you are too blind to see that this is indeed reality then I shall not waste my time trying to convince an ignorant, uneducated ape that I am telling you nothing but the truth. Now, for the people who know that I am telling no word of a lie, read on in awe and wonder and I implore you not to feel like you are a failure merely because I am better than you by a thousand fold. Instead just think of how lucky you are to live in a universe where ethereal beings like me exist.
Now, shall we begin? That was a rhetorical question. Your opinion was not valid.