Treading the line between existence and nothingness (VENTING STORY)

This book is about me. I will describe my feelings and thoughts here to the best of my ability.
I suffer from DDD (Depersonalisation and derealization disorder) , ASD (Autism spectrum disorder, different from autism) , dyslexia and possibly the start of schizophrenia, but that is undiagnosed.
I've been falling in and out of depression and I'm suffering from heavy anxiety.
My dad and kindergarten gave me PTSD, which made me have trust issues with anyone and unapproachable.
All of these disorders and issues i have make my life so hard to live, with parents that deny all symptoms and a lack of real life friends.
I'm a person that used to have great suicidal thoughts at the ages late 10 to late 13, but ever since I've sworn to never think about harming myself ever again, and i force myself to enjoy life throughout the pain and suffering, insisting that i love being alive and I'd never wish for my death.
Is that really true though?
this book will detail it.
Thanks for taking the time to read through.
If you relate, feel free to share. I'm open to any conversation if any of you wish to talk.