A cycle that changed old patterns

Here I am again! I never wish anyone to fully understand me but I am writing this down for my inner satisfaction. For the 22 years of my life, I thought that I had known myself all my childhood, that's when i could see all the colors after the eclipse; entering my 20's; boom, as I never knew myself. Life hasn't been fully cruel or sweet like an apple pie. I have always wished none to witness my tears. By all the realizations I have recently made, I am giving space to myself.

During my whole childhood, I believed to be what we call a child whose all wishes were fulfilled - LUCKY. Has luck always been in my favor? I don't know, maybe yes or maybe no. Perhaps, I was trapped in my own imagination. I can surely say that I have not experienced happiness deeply, as compared to feeling heartbreaks, disappointments and unhappiness. I don't know what went wrong and where, is it just me or what?

Attractive, Passionate, Enthusiastic, Immature, Kiddish; that's what people used to call me. Huh, those jerks wearing small underpants. Make me believe that a kid with the same age as yours, would have an IQ as good as a 40 year old human. I always wanted to be something: before being somebody's - daughter, sister, wife, friend, mother, and aunt. I have always wanted to be at my highest self.

Considering myself as a highly emotional woman, I sense strong feelings and intuitions. Sometimes, calmness can't come along the route. At times, it becomes difficult to keep oneself at ease. But time passes and things gets changed. Everything would be alright, that's what wanders in my mind and heart.

All these years, I definitely have lost trust and faith in myself. Why and for what? Well, the answers have not arrived. I was so well practiced in my home country, now after I moved to a different world, I fell again and again, yet here I am, standing on my two feet for myself, all alone. I've got it; I've got myself!!!!