How to become me teehee 🤭

I've always been the type to show my love for my friends and I was always a hugger and very touchy, and I still am kinda. But then I realized that not a single one of my current or past friends are a fan of being touched, wether they didn't liked being touched at all or just thought it was weird and/or immature. Eventually I learned that and adapted to it, but not in a good way. A few months ago, I was saying hi to my close friend, one I mess around with alot, and I mess around with all my friends and I'm very open to them. They all know that I would do anything for them. But when I walked up to them, I lifted my hand up to give them an exaggerated wave, and when they saw me lift up my hand, they slightly flinched, and I felt my heart sink. I asked them why they flinched, and they said that they thought I was gonna hit them, and I felt myself start to tear up bc I felt to horrible. I had gotten to the point where instead of showing true love to my friends I started getting 'jokingly' violent to them. I started paying attention to what I was doing more often and one night I cried because I felt like such an awful person. I went from being the hugger to being the one who beats my friends as a joke and it's awful. There was one night where me and two of my friends had our first sleepover a few weeks ago and we all played class of 09, taking turns of who makes the decisions and stuff, and they said if I were a character in it, I would most definitely be nicole. Throughout the gameplay I saw her behavior and I liked her snarky attitude but then I noticed how much I'm like her. It sucks.