Honestly

Honestly, I have never endured something like this before. And trust me, I have seen a lot of awful and horrendous things in my life. I have been a nurse for over 5 years and I had to watch as people died during the pandemic as they struggled to breathe. I broke a woman's chest while giving compressions as blood poured out of her mouth. I had to endure the screams and wails of family members as they cried over the loss of their family then had to put them in a body bag before bringing them down to the morgue. I had to carry a whole leg that was amputated from a patient to save their life, but sadly they still died. I watched compressions on a 27-week-old baby after an emergency c-section because the mom decided to drink and drive. But I would have to say what truly haunts me was when I held a woman's hand after a D&C as she sobbed her heart out after the loss of her baby, then I had to carry what was left of her baby in a little plastic suction container down to the lab. I couldn't help but hold it in my arms like it was a person instead of a bloody, blended up chunks of meat.

Yeah..... that one still haunts me, but right now I feel like I am truly unraveling. I have so many emotions but no understanding on how to express, comprehend, or even endure them. I just want to break, and I feel absolutely broken and alone. I don't know what to do. All I feel is pain and lost. I don't have a route to communicate my pain without projecting it onto someone else. My family wants to talk to me, but I just can't talk to them right now because I just don't trust them to be there for me. They have never gone through what I am going through, and I don't feel I can unload the truth and gruesome details that I need to get off my chest without them starting to project their pain onto me. So here I am. Writing my sad little story that no one is ever going to read. After this, I will have to endure this relentless pain, confusion, and anxiety and then bury it deep.

So here it goes.