It's A Date, Not A Lifetime Discussion

My stomach is nervous and I don't know when I'm going to stop caring. I'm not waiting on him for hours at the dinner bar, I've just been sitting here because I didn't want to be late.

We could've met in my underwear and played dress up, but I can be self conscious of my own skin, so I threw away the idea in the trash, along with my laptop and tried finding peace in my presence.

I don't want to be a petty monster, I just want you to love me so I can learn to love myself. I don't like being this monster, I feel like I'm not meant to be in love with someone anymore. Or maybe the demons around me just want to play a couple games so they can breathe.

Honey, I'm scared and I don't want to do this alone. I'm sorry I'm not pretty enough like the girls on TV, I keep telling myself that because I haven't found the energy to be here for myself. I don't even know who to blame other than myself.

Sometimes I think everything is working in my favor and that I just have to keep believing, hoping that everything will work out okay. I just hate to see a loved one not feel the entitlement I have. It scares me to see them gnaw their teeth in despair of my separation. Like I am treated like a clown.

I want the best for them, and the best for me, but I don't know how to do it without arguing with myself. I can't breathe, please help me. I don't even want you around, I just want to know that you're here with me. but I don't think you'll ever make it to the table because I feel hideous in my skin. I don't see the happiness in me.

I don't know why I'm sensitive to words and certain topics, I don't want to say I'm fragile, but I don't like how I'm treated and how I treat myself. I just wish I had a way to not battle this problem and enjoy life without a discussion.

I hope that when I see your pretty eyes and your beautiful smile, I will be happy to be in your arms. I want the real you by my side, and I want to travel the world with you next to me; so I may care.