I only write when im falling in love, or falling apart
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- Parts 19
Ongoing10m
Last published Mon, Aug 26, 2024
I wish I could tell someone the whole story of why I am the way I am. I'm paradoxical. I like to be happy but I think about sad things all the time. I say I don't care but deep into my bones, I care too much. I crave attention yet I reject everything that comes my way, I healed people, but I broke my own heart trying to fix them. I love to listen, but I never tell them what's inside me.
And once again here I am, writing the things I couldn't voice out. I am lost in the places I used to go; I am out of reach of the things that I have. I am out of words for the things I want to speak of, because, once again, they were out of my vocabulary. Mixed up, those're the perfect words to describe the things that's running through my mind; I couldn't put out the words and connect them into a sentence to understand why it feels like this. Words keep coming, confusing me about what I should say first and what I should utter to lessen the feeling of being silent. The thoughts crumbled; it has come to an end; the only thing left to say was "nothing." . I was speechless. The silence was killing me. And once again, I smiled when I wanted to cry. I stayed quiet when I had so much to say.
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I wanted to tell him that I knew his favorite book, and his coffee order, and the way he clicked his pen when he was deep in thought. I wanted to tell him I knew that he sleeps on the right side of the bed and eats on the left side of the table. I wanted to tell him that I knew his worries, dreams and fears. I wanted to tell him that I knew he loved me too. I wanted to see his laugh, and know that I was the reason. I wanted to make him smile, just to see those dimples that lay heavenly on his face. I wanted his eyes to light up in joy- I wanted to see him happy. I wanted to tell him that I prided myself in the fact that I had memorized all the freckles on his skin, how his freckles birthmarks created their own galaxies of planets and stars. I wanted to tell him I would be there for him, on the bad days too. I wanted to tell him he could call be at 3:46 in the morning and just complain, I'd completely understand. I wanted to tell him that he had completely beguiled me; that he was my entire world. I wanted to tell him that I love him more than anything I had ever known. I wanted to run to him, to hug him. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and never let me go. I wanted to never leave him. I wanted to rule by his side, as his Luna. Instead, I just turned my back in order to not let anyone see my tears. I walked away from the love of my life, for what? For fate? For destiny? Or for some foolish trick that I was walking myself into? No matter the reason, I walked away from him with tears in my eyes and sorrow in my heart. I never wanted to walk away again. He was my mate and all I wanted was him.
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