I only write when im falling in love, or falling apart

I wish I could tell someone the whole story of why I am the way I am. I'm paradoxical. I like to be happy but I think about sad things all the time. I say I don't care but deep into my bones, I care too much. I crave attention yet I reject everything that comes my way, I healed people, but I broke my own heart trying to fix them. I love to listen, but I never tell them what's inside me.

And once again here I am, writing the things I couldn't voice out. I am lost in the places I used to go; I am out of reach of the things that I have. I am out of words for the things I want to speak of, because, once again, they were out of my vocabulary. Mixed up, those're the perfect words to describe the things that's running through my mind; I couldn't put out the words and connect them into a sentence to understand why it feels like this. Words keep coming, confusing me about what I should say first and what I should utter to lessen the feeling of being silent. The thoughts crumbled; it has come to an end; the only thing left to say was "nothing." . I was speechless. The silence was killing me. And once again, I smiled when I wanted to cry. I stayed quiet when I had so much to say.