Why am I still alive-A Fourth Wing Satire

Fourth Wing satire story-
Oren (short for something she'd rather not tell you) Sorrengail is unfortunately forced to attend the Basgiath War College. All she wants to do is survive while attracting as little attention as possible, which proves quite difficult due to nepotism. And on top of that, there is a strange third year who has an unreasonable amount of interest in her...

Please excuse any inaccuracies to in the world building, it's very funny, please read :)
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"Don't walk too fast Sorrengail, otherwise you'll slip, and then I can't finish you off myself!" the voice is so close I nearly jump off the parapet right then to spare myself the embarrassment of being thrown off by someone else.
My balance is unsteady at best, and I know that one little touch is enough to send me spiraling over the edge. I force my breaths all the way down to my stomach and back up, taking another step forward, and another, and another.
But it's still too slow. Suddenly, I become glaringly aware that if I want to make it over this parapet alive, it won't be by walking.
So, I do the next best thing.
I drop to my knees, biting the inside of my cheek at the pain, and slam my hands onto the rough stone. I straddle the parapet with my legs and thank Mira again for the armor beneath my clothes that shields my stomach from the otherwise torturous pain of dragging it across the parapet.
"What..." the person behind me seems to stop briefly in confusion, before letting out a laugh so loud, it feels purposely dramatic. "No way you are seriously dragging yourself across the parapet like a worm. How pathetic."
"Gotta do what you gotta do", I wheeze as I continue my crawl.
I must be past halfway now, the steps of the person behind me slowing as he considers the conundrum before him. I risk a glance behind me and yelp as I see how close he still is. If he gets near my legs, all he has to do is lean over and-
Suddenly, an idea as brilliant as my last comes to me, and I can't help but chuckle.