The Gospel According to the Wind

In the beginning, there was wind.
And the wind did not behave.

The Gospel According to the Wind is a parody scripture chronicling the Great Windborne Event: the unrestrained spread of confidence, impractical tailoring, limp wrists, and ornamental chains across the nations of Teyvat. Written in the solemn cadence of ancient holy texts and delivered without irony, this work documents the days of creation, the march of the twinks, the rise of warrior women, and the Archon who watched it all unfold and chose not to intervene.

Recorded herein are:
• the unfastening of shirts beyond reason
• the revelation of thigh garters and guyliner
• the bafflement of nations
• the prophets chosen not for wisdom, but for vibes

This text offers no moral instruction, no redemption arc, and no answers-only observation. Events are presented as fact. Questions are not entertained. The wind explains nothing.

This is not canon.
This is not theology.
This is scripture as parody, written with reverence for the form and none for restraint.

And Barbatos saw it was cunty.