IF EVER

“If you have the ability to talk to your younger self?”
“what would you tell?”

if ever someone ask me this question, maybe i cry to their shoulders, and to my younger self,
I'd tell her I'm sorry...sorry kasi atat na atat akong tumanda. I thought being older meant freedom and happiness. Akala ko kasi pag malaki ka na, wala ng problema, na that life would be easier once youre allowed to make your own decisions.

But I realize lately na...growing up doesnt mean escaping pain. It means facing more of it, mas mabigat, mas kumakain sayo. Kung dati, iiyak ka lang kasi di ka binilhan ng laruan, ngayon...iiyak ka kasi pakiramdam mo kahit anong gawin mo, hindi ka sapat, hindi ka kamahal-mahal.

If I could talk to her, I'd tell her not to rush, kasi hindi niya alam kung gaano kabigat ang mundo. I'd hold her tight and say, ‘mag-enjoy ka lang muna sa pagiging bata’. Hindi mo kailangan magmadali, kasi sa oras na lumaki ka...wala ng pwedeng ibalik pa.

and I’d tell her I'm sorry for not protecting her enough. Sorry na pinilit kong maging matapang kahit ang totoo, durog na durog na ako sa loob. Sorry na pinili kong ngumiti para di halata, kahit gusto ko na sanang sumuko, and sorry, kasi hanggang ngayon, I'm still searching for the peace I promised her wed find once we're older.

Kung alam lang ng younger self ko na ang magiging kapalit ng pagtanda ay yung pagkawala ng innocence, ng peace, at ng sarili...baka nagdasal siya na sana hindi na lang lumipas ang oras, sana hindi na lang siya tumanda.

Growing up...is the cruelest lie I believed in, and if I could go back, I'd hug her and tell her...enjoy every second, kasi one day...you'll wake up and realize, childhood was the happiest part of your life that you'll never get back.