Confessions of the World's Worst Vampire

When you think of vampires, you probably think of Dracula or--shudder--Edward Cullens. You know what I mean: the romanticized, sexy version of a vampire. The one with sparkly skin and a charismatic compulsion. Hot. Sexy. Let's be real here, Gary Oldman really set the bar, right?

But what fiction doesn't tell you is that being a vampire is messy and, quite frankly, HARD. It's ugly and lonely, and don't even get me started about tracking down blood. I'm wanted in every province (ever hear of the Bloody Killer? Yeah, that's me. Totally lame serial killer moniker, by the way, RCMP). I didn't have the choice to turn into a vampire, but, boy, did my creator pick the wrong person. Out of control, clumsy, drunk, messy, blah, blah, blah. You get the idea. I know, I should probably see a therapist, huh?

Well, my trail of bloodless bodies soon catches up to me when a chance encounter with a hottie in a cafe leaves me with his phone by mistake, and I realize just how f***ed I am. And as I do my best to keep him away (while trying to survive as a vampire), I can't help but fall for the cafe hottie, putting a stake on my life.

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ONC '26 prompts: #56 and #81