i don't (remember)

it took me many months to write this poem... it kind of came to me in a flash, but i couldn't finish it. it's not explicit in any way. it's about dissociation and not being able to "remember." i still struggle. but, i learn more every day. i AM a "survivor." i am healing. slowly. and, i haven't been restricting for almost three years. but, i struggle. i hide. i hide from my feelings. i hide from myself. but, i have a hard time hiding from my pain, especially the physical pain, which is part genetic, part ballet abuse, and part "what happened." this poem is NOT about "what happened." it's about my struggle with "remembering." it took years and years to remember as much as i know now. but, in "remembering," and focusing on healing, i am slowing letting go. i refuse to allow the "pain" ruin who i am. i refuse to allow the pain to rule every moment of every day. it was freeing to write this. i feel better for this moment. and I am only "WARNING" that this "might" be triggering to ab*se survivors because some of my experience is "implied." it is about my struggle to remember, to let go, and to heal by "knowing" that it was never "my" fault and my "experiences" are not "me" at all... i am stronger in writing... to heal..... indeed, we have a RIGHT to heal.