Wildest Dreams

i always dreamed of someone who would love me the way they do in the books I've read. the kind of love that stays, no matter how ruined the world becomes. the kind that chooses you over and over again, even on the days you're hardest to love. i wanted that too. i wanted to be looked at like i was someone worth keeping. but i guess the universe never wanted that for me. because every time I held love in my hands, it always found a way to slip through my fingers. and maybe that's why I kept loving him so desperately, because a part of me hoped that if I loved hard enough, maybe for once, someone would finally choose to stay. i dont know, loving him felt like standing in the middle of a wildfire with no desire to escape, even while everything inside me burned. losing myself in him felt far less terrifying than living in a world where he no longer existed beside me.

Ed Sheeran was right, loving can hurt. and I was hurting a lot more than I was willing to admit. but the cruelest part of loving him was knowing that no matter how deeply he held my hand, there was always a distance between us neither of us dared to cross. I don't think I'll ever love someone else after him. because somehow, in every version of my life, it has always been him. i don't think I'll ever love someone else after him. because it has always been him. from the start, it was him. and until the very end, i know it will still be him. the universe could give me a thousand different people, a thousand different chances at love, and somehow my heart would still find its way back to him. because loving him felt like the most natural thing I had ever done. like my soul had already chosen him long before I even realized it myself.

because when you've loved someone the way I loved him, loving anyone else starts to feel unfamiliar. if I had the chance to live my life all over again, I know my heart would still find its way back to him.