Shrek fanfiction:Fifty shades of green

Shrek is love, I say, Shrek is life. My love for Shrek was bigger than his huge green sweaty. peas. But wut happens when senpai butts in trying to steal my heart? I can't let that happen. I'd obvs die duh.
What am I going to do?
Who am I gonna choose?
Why are there holes in biscuits?
When will Sarah Jessica Parker realize she was adopted and her real parents are ponies?
Find out in this cheesy, sweet, salty, bitter-sweet, crappy story.