NO PUCKS IN THE KITCHEN

[CLIP START]

[CAMERA: High definition kitchen island shot, abruptly cut from Episode 5. The screen vibrates as the heavy industrial food processor roars like a lawnmower.]

ILYA: (Shirtless in a black apron, yelling over the deafening mechanical noise while violently shaking the blender jar) "EFFICIENCY, HOLLANDER! WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR LITTLE TINY HAND CHOPPING!"

SHANE: (Standing two feet away, clutching an 80-dollar damascus steel chef's knife, screaming at the top of his lungs) "ILYA, IT'S A RELISH! YOU'RE MAKING CAPSAICIN GAS-"

CLACK-CLACK-CRUNCH.

(A bright orange jet of pressurized pickled pepper oil shoots out from the lid gap, catching Ilya square across the face. Ilya roars in Russian, drops the blender, and stumbles backward into a mountain of paper towels.)

ILYA: (Clutching his eyes, groaning dramatically) "AH, SUKA! I AM BLINDED! SHANE, SAVE ME!"

SHANE: (Dropping his knife, lunging across the counter with a wet towel) "I TOLD YOU! HOLD STILL, YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOT, STOP RUBBING THEM!"

(Shane yanks Ilya down by his collar to wipe his face. Ilya instantly wraps both arms around Shane's waist, burying his nose into Shane's neck like a wounded Victorian soldier while Harris's shaky camera lens gets smeared with giardiniera oil.)

HARRIS: (Off-screen, wheezing in panic) "Guys, please... the sponsor reps watch these..."

ILYA: (Blinking teary blue eyes down at Shane, smiling crookedly) "I see a very bossy, very handsome little chef."

[CLIP ENDS - SLAMS TO BLACK WITH A LOUD SLAP SOUND]

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This is NO PUCKS IN THE KITCHEN

Two Stanley Cup champions. One luxury Ottawa condo. Zero culinary safety permits.

Watch Centaurs stars Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov trade their hockey sticks for chef's knives in the official series that our front office legal team tried and failed to censor.

Featuring Anya as Head Quality Control and Harris as the world's most stressed social media manager.