Hogwarts: Incredibly Confusing Tales

This is the way you've always wished Harry Potter was written. Constantly changing personalities are prevalent. People die and are brought back to life. Eternal, thought-provoking questions are answered. And, as usual, no one gives a crap about Snape.

The story behind the stories:
The trouble with getting these stories into the public was due to the corporation PISSPOT, a group of asses who do not agree with stories that end randomly, such as main characters blowing up, having heart attacks, being thrown into stampedes, and/or dying, in the last few sentences. After a 50-year struggle with their company, we finally took it upon ourselves to find out the names of each particular ass in their workplace, track them down, and hold their dogs up for ransom. This did not make them budge, so we then proceeded to all jump out of a helicopter over their office building in wing suits, crash in through their windows, raid their restrooms, smash in their toilets, and hold all arriving toilet repairmen at gunpoint. This was too much for them, and their CEO finally conceded. Unfortunately for him, the pilot of the helicopter had gotten too pumped up in the action and had jumped out of the chopper as well, and the chopper itself dropped out of the sky and smashed into the building, blowing everything up around us. My hit men and I leaped out of the building as the entire interior or the building exploded around us with such a tremendous force that all 17 of the CEO's dogs instantly died of heart attacks. As I was deploying the parachute, I watched the pilot's screaming, parachute-less body plummet to the street, where he was hit by an oncoming stampede of buses 2 feet from hitting the ground.