In Between
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I'd like to say that it's not at all like in the movies. That people don't just end themselves to escape from a life that crippled and destroyed their gentle souls one day at a time until it was to hard to fight back and not give in. I'd love to say that that didn't happen to me. That strong, confident, and fearless Melissa Downes didn't succumb to the temptation of feeling nothing. Of finally being free.
But the thing is, that part of me never existed. I wasn't strong and I wasn't confident and I was never, at any point, fearless. I don't believe that anyone really can be fearless. Everybody has something they fear. I was just one of the lucky one's who could hide them enough to fool the world. At least for a little bit.
But disguises like mine must be ripped off at some point, right?
Because, while you can hide everything from the world, you can't hide it from yourself; but you can fool yourself. You can fool yourself into believing that you are everything that the world thinks you are, everything that you should be. And man did I fool myself.
Let me guess. You want to know why I'm saying all this?
Well, because much as I'd like to say this is a relief, to be free, I'm starting to wonder if the nightmare was better than the reality. The nightmare consumes my thoughts constantly. I don't see the point in being free when the shards of my shattered life still cling to me, still kill me a little more everyday. Although, I think I may have found a way to silence it; and that is to relive my story with you along for the ride.
I know that I'm alone. That there really is no you because it's quiet here. But it makes me feel less crazy if I pretend I'm relaying my thoughts to someone else. It helps to lessen the pain of the shards if I say this to someone other than me, even a fake someone. I wonder if this means my thoughts will be quiet in the end. If the shards will no longer bite into my skin. I hope so.
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