Does My existance matter

Does My existance matter

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"What exists after Death?", I asked myself, the smell of death had become more and more apparent with each day that had come and gone within one breath. "Whatever it is, it can't be worse than living" I answered myself. I knew however that I had answered that question a few weeks back but something was holding me back. was it him? Could this stranger that forced himself into my life have been the reason why the string my life hung by remained intact? Or was I waiting for the string to snap and plunge me into death's waiting arms? I repeated my answer, this time a little louder so my heart could hear it, "nothing is worse than living." We get to see the life of someone who is bullied through their eyes.. she takes us on a journey as we experience her pain, laughter,suicidal thoughts and hate. Yet through all that she remains quiet and shuts the whole world out but little does she know..she is killing herself.
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I don't know how it happened, I don't know where it began and I don't know when it ends. We met on an app, we were never meant to be such close friends, but we were, maybe even more. We grew close, yet we were strangers at the same time. You were my shoulder to cry on even though you were rarely there physically. I told you my secrets, but I was so caught up in the thought of finally having someone there for me that I never realized the fact that you never told me yours. When we first met we were inseparable. We weren't meant to be more than just acquaintances, but somehow, we grew closer and I got attached. I tried to stay away, I tried to keep my distance, but I was clouded by the fact that I wanted- needed a friend. The walls I spent so long building up, you knocked them down so easily, that it looked almost effortless. I fooled myself into thinking that you would always be there, that you were different from everyone else, that you wouldn't leave like them, that you wouldn't drop me like I was nothing. Foolish girl. We grew closer, I got attached and somewhere along the way, I fell in love. You never loved me the way you loved her, did you? Was I just a broken toy you wished to fix? Did you pity me, the lonely girl that barely survived the world? Why did you leave? I wake up one morning and you're gone. Gone from my life, from my mind, from my memory. Please tell me why. Why was this our falling out? Please tell me. What was it, the words you continue to whisper to me before I close my eyes?

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