The lost

Why did it have to be like this? I feel like I've lost myself in this big world. When I was younger I always wondered what it felt like to be alone. Now I know. Sucks when you're dad beats you and cusses you out like its been your daily routine since you were little. It all started a few months ago when alcohol became my dads best friend after moms death. My dad only has to deal with my mom gone. I deal with that and my best friends death.
My friend was killed a month ago. She was in town, at the store. It was only her, a greaser, and the clerk. He shot her for no reason, apparently. The clerk witnessed it all. There was a cop across the street so the clerk didn't get shot, thank god. They arrested the greaser and him killing Susan for no reason is what confuses me. His life must be all kinds of crazy.
Now I have no friends. No mom. And I might as well have no dad. Susan was my only friend and before my mom died I told her everything. My dad and i were never that close and now its worse than before. From the outsider my life looks fine. But its not. I don't even like it, or like myself for that matter. I feel like my mom and susan died so they could get away from me. Next it'll be my dad and I actually might be glad for that one. Its like I'm the flu. Or worse. A deadly disease that no one wants to catch.
I know its rough all over here in Tulsa and other people have it as bad as me, probably some have it worse. But I don't know how much longer I can take of this. I might kill myself or something, I have no one to live for. But I couldn't do that. I'm scared of physical pain. Couldn't hurt myself if I tried. My dad tells me to toughen up all the time but I can't do it. That's not how I dig.
I was home alone, and then I heard the screen door squeak and then slam shut.

"You little worthless piece of shit, where are you at?"