V.A.P.I's Brief Pleasure (boyxboy)
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- Parts 32
Hello dear friends. I'm Doctor Josef R. Daneeka, inventor of the Lips, Nips and Hips line of cosmetics and the Warsaw Skin-E diet pill, world renowned surgeon, generous lover of my wife, and friendly neighbor.
This screed, this angry little book of lies, exists solely to discredit me, my family and my work. I have no doubt that my corporate enemies (Procter & Gamble, I'm looking at you) are behind this propaganda. I tell you now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury: I have never spliced human DNA with extraterrestrial DNA; I have never manufactured human clones; I am not an opiate addict, and I most certainly do not keep my wife locked up in my cellar with a rhesus monkey.
The (most likely invented) teenager protagonist herein, is a thief and a con artist who will play upon your sympathies in order to manipulate you. Moreover, his tale is nothing more than seedy, smut. While I, like any good citizen, cherish my gay comrades, the deviant author of this work wants to infest your children's minds with his debaucherous story of teenaged gay sex and drug abuse. Abstinence, dear friends, is all that I preach. Abstinence, and a deep love for God.
Please, friends, avert your eyes.
Oh, and for you ladies out there. Can't seem to get rid of those pesky zits? Fear not. Krazy Koncealer can blitz those zits, lickety-split. Permanently! Available at any pharmacy near you!
Fantabulous cover art by : @Ferret-bird
All Rights Reserved
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Madeline found the note in her locker. Neatly folded, it held a pair of razor blades and a set of instructions. "Just die, ugly girl. No one will miss you." She doesn't know who gave it to her. Or any of the others before it. But she knows one thing: they're right. No one will miss her. Her mother is dead, her dad is more a theory than a parental figure, and her friends are the stick figures she draws in her notebooks. So, when someone she barely knows invites her to the school graduation party, there's no reason for her to go. A girl like her at a party like that? Eating a bowl of live spiders would be a better idea. And yet, she accepts. She goes. She doesn't know what she expects to find there. She doesn't even know why she said yes. Out of desperation? Because she thinks she'll somehow make friends? Prove, somehow, that the razor note is wrong? Whatever her reasons, what she finds is a surprise. And not the one she wants. She's given one more note. And what's written inside this one will make her face the truth she's been hiding from for seven years. And the truth about Madeline Parker will either fix her, and finally make her worthy of being loved, or it will prove that the note with the razors is right. Or both. -- Complete and professionally edited. Also on sale (www.lifelostandfound.com) where 150% of all sales go to charity, including the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Dedicated to all of us who need a reason to keep going. Especially now. I hope it makes you laugh. And I hope it helps you realize you're not alone. (Warning -- Do not read this book if you: look amazing all or most of the time, never worry about what people think of you, have more friends than Estonia has people, or are allergic to the word "shenanigans". Especially that last one, because it's used once or twice and you may experience a reaction. Also, you should probably see a doctor about that. Secondary warning: the word "shenanigans" is used in this warning.)
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