Just plain pain

This is what I've been through. I have a hard life. Nothing will change that. That I'm alone. That j have nothing and nobody. Well I guess this is not the end just the beginning because every book I've read starts with hell and ends with heaven. But if this is just hell then I can't do anything about it. I can kill my self. But I'm to afraid. But why does life cry while death smiles at me.