My Name is Insecurity

My Name is Insecurity

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WpMetadataNoticeLast published Sun, Jan 29, 2017
Outside the door of the auditorium, there is a table with a girl standing behind it. "Hey!" she greets me kindly. No scowl. No sense of rudeness. She is not ignoring me! This must take some getting used to. "Hi!" I reply back. "How can I get the ticket for the dance?" "Well, you can pay over here. It is ten dollars. And after you buy it, just give it to me. I am supposed to be collecting and selling the tickets. Well, actually, mainly collecting. Last minute decision?" "Yeah, I guess." "Okay. Well, you are free to go in and party!" "Thanks," I reply. I am so scared. What is the music stops and everyone stares at me? What if people can tell who it is? What if- "Aren't you going in?" the girl says, interrupting my thoughts. I nod, but I still have many negative thoughts in my head. What if I embarrass myself? What if everyone kicks me out? What if- I walk in, surprised to see that no one notices- no one cares? No one cares! Why didn't anyone notice? Maybe they are all too busy dancing and eating and singing and talking over the music. I walk over to the punch bowl. I am really thirsty. "Oh!" I exclaim, because somebody has bumped into me. "I am so sorry, are you okay?" some random guy turns around to face me and says. "Oh I am alright," I think I say, because truthfully I am too busy looking into his dreamy blue eyes. Why do I allow myself to do this stuff?
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"You forgot? Right?" I asked, more like whispery. I am really trying my best not to ask, but it suddenly came out without me realizing it. "It's our 100th day today, Bae." I don't intend on looking back up where she is, since I don't want to expect more, to see the reaction and was really trying my best to avoid her gaze. She didn't respond, She must've been so surprise. So, from that, I straightly and directly looked up and see what she's up to. Unfortunately, it was a wrong move. I saw it. I saw how her reaction change. From a relax one to a surprise one. You see, eyes can't lie. "N- No. No. It's just that- - - - " "It's okay." I tried to sound okay. I even smiled to assure her. But, you can't just feel okay, when you know, at any minute my tears might fall. When she did not respond, I kept quiet and continued eating. It's tiring when you know, you put effort to all this and yet you can feel from that person was the opposite expressions of what you expected. Expectations really isn't good at all. "Are you okay?" She was about to touch me but my body acted on its own, I move backward. Seeing her this close and that pity look in her eyes makes my heart breaks and offended even more. "We don't really talk now, why are you curious now?" I can't help myself but answer in sarcasm. This setting is really tiring and obviously new to me. I can't recognize and get a hold of myself, and any moment now I might burst out, right now, right here. I don't even really care now if the camera is actually recording us. I felt the need to go somewhere. I need space to breathe. I need to walk away from her now because I know when it hurts , I can't control my feelings let alone my stupid self. "Excuse me! I need to use the restroom." She nodded without tearing her eyes off me. And, that's my que to walk away. No turning back this time. It may look disrespectful but I can't pretend that everything is okay and it doesn't hurts me at all.

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