Unrequited Meeting
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This was all Dr. Smith's, my therapist, idea of getting me to open up. On pencil and paper. Then, when my story was official with words I could voice out my frustration, get to the core.
It wasn't always about VeAnna Ellison. In fact there was a time when I fell in love prior to her. Somehow though, she seems to be the one that reminds me of everything I messed up or missed with all those other girls I apparently loved.
"I'm not a screw up like my father, I swear."
VeAnna told me to say that everyday because the more I said it the more I started to believe it. Though there's a thin line between sanity and truth. And I was sure that I had lost all sanity. So in all truth, I mean sanity, I was probably just as screwed up as my father after my fourteenth year of life.
Something happened; I turned into a badass.
There's irony in my words when I said I'd never be like my father; because I wake up every morning, look in the mirror and see the face of a deceitful bastard.
Yet I still tried to convince myself, "I'm not a screw up like my father, I swear." Or maybe that was just everyone else I was trying to convince because somewhere deep down I knew the truth.
So now I'm trying to be happy and get back on track. First I have to discover some things like: When did I become identical to my father, and not in the physical ways, When did I meet VeAnna, Why did she leave?
I miss her. Will it ever stop hurting just thinking that? When can I let go?
I'm sorry I stole your first kiss Emily.
I'm sorry I broke your heart Peyton.
I'm sorry I led you on Kayla.
I'm sorry I punched you in the eye out of jealousy Ryan.
I'm sorry I fell in love with you Hailey.
I'm sorry I never loved like you loved me Jenna.
I'm sorry for turning my back on you Zane.
I'm sorry I couldn't stop caring Hailey.
I'm sorry I stopped talking to you mom.
I'm sorry I was born dad.
I'm sorry I didn't say I love you enough VeAnna. I'm sorry I screwed up VeAnna. I'm just... sorry VeAnna.
I'm sorry.
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#228
emily
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