Here I am once again, in bed, tv playing but I'm not paying attention, fingers frantically switching between Facebook and Instagram to find something new to ease this loneliness I tend to feel everyday.
At 27 is this how my life should be? Shouldn't I be out somewhere being happy or chatting away with friends on Whatsapp? Sad to say but even though my idea of a great life entices me, my reality refuses to accept.
My loneliness is not by choice. My loneliness is because of the deep, dark inner me that won't warm up to the light of day nor even the beautiful moonlights at night. I've tried at this thing called life but I'm unable to do life. I merely just exist. I find just enough strength to get me through the days. At nights I find myself frantically switching between Facebook and Instagram. Again....
You wonder.. is she an ugly girl why she doesn't engage or interact? Is she crazy why she isn't socially charged? No, I'm just lonely.. I'm merely a girl. A girl who is depressed.......
"Treasure what're you doing awake by this time". I heard my mum voice trailing behind.
I shivered,I knew perfectly the rules of not being awake by this time. I would only get scolded at and maybe my phone seized. But it's not really my fault for wanting a distraction from my messy life. I just couldn't take it anymore,I was tired of thinking of my life
I was tired of blaming God for the circumstances before me. Sometimes I feel like a burden and sometimes I wished I was never born. Life is cruel and learning from you mistakes doesn't count anymore.
I have been told about how things would be fine by my mates. Encouraging words to keep me going, but it's simply not working. I would have committed suicide but I don't want to put my mum through that pain. She is my most favorite person in the universe.
"Tress I'm talking to you. What are you doing awake?" I could feel my mum presence right behind me and dare not move. "Mum I just woke up and was just scrolling through Facebook sorry". I said after waking up from my trance.
"You know the rules,no phones at night. Don't make me believe you have a boyfriend. Goodnight and put off that phone. Mum loves you. Goodnight Tress".
"Goodnight Mum,sorry for breaking the rules. It won't happen again. I love you too". I smiled at her and watched her leave.
I was actually texting my boyfriend.. Thank goodness he didn't call tho. That was really close, didn't want my mum to worry about me....