Alice in Insaneland

According to childhood fairy tales, Alice was a young little girl who follows a cute little white rabbit who was late for tea into its hole. When she landed, she found a world full of mystery and excitement. She grew tall, shrank short and wandered all around this mystical place. She became friends with the eccentric Mad Hatter, the cute Dormouse, and the ecstatic March Hare. She met the bumbling yet sweet twins, Tweedledee and Tweedledum and received guidance from the Cheshire Cat. Her reason for landing was explained by the hookah smoking caterpillar, Absolem and she achieved her needed goal; to the defeat the Queen of Hearts and slay the Jabberwocky. When her journey was finished she returned to her home soundly and content yet still curious.

Reality check:
This story was completely blown out of proportion. My name is Alice and I'm far from being a little girl. I'm 16. I didn't follow a cute little rabbit to its hole; I followed a rabbit because it took my pocket watch, lame I know. I didn't land in a mystical world; I crashed into a rotting, probably abandoned area. Sure I grew and shrank too but I only wandered because I was lost, confused and amnesic not curious. The Mad Hatter was just that, insane. The cute Dormouse was just a mangy rat. The March Hare needed to relax with the kitchenware. Tweedledee and Tweedledum were little brats that needed brains. Cheshire freaked me out but I guess he was okay. That damn Caterpillar has to lay off the opium. The Red Queen is a psycho bitch and the Jabberwocky is one butt ugly pet. In the end, I didn't go home all happy like nothing happened and satisfied with the adventure I had.

This is what Wonderland really is. It's not as you've always been told. It's crazy, sick and the grimiest of dumps. It's twisted, gross and everyone there is insane. It's not Wonderland. It's not Underland. It's. Name. Is. Horrorland. I, the real Alice, am going to tell you the true story of my adventures.