A Typical Gay Erotica

I've seen a particular layout in so many gay erotica that I've read, and it annoys me, but I thought I'd recreate it.
Sort of.
It's more of a parody.
The story is in regular text, and in parentheses is the commentary, sarcastic and cynical.
(Because a lot of things in these types of stories are idiotic, and I felt like condemning them.)